


Smoke Filled Room

by AndYourPoint



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, I'm going to give real closure., Sanvers - Freeform, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 14:01:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 39,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16599260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndYourPoint/pseuds/AndYourPoint
Summary: How could you be that girl I knew?Pre 4x01





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The plot line is the only thing that's truly mine.

It was a “run of the mill” alien attack, something not from here crash-landing into my office and taking me captive.

It was large, green, and nothing from any movie I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure where it came from, or what it wanted with me, but it was determined that I had what it needed. I fit into its hand in a King Kong sort of way, but the speed in which it took off through the glass pane of my balcony, blew King Kong out of the water. At first, I thought it had killed me instantly. The air left my body so quickly, so violently, that I thought it had squeezed me until I popped.

When my gray sapped vision returned to color, we were in a field. It must’ve been tens of miles outside the city, hardly a powerline in sight. There was a crumbling cement building a ways behind us, but nothing else to tell me where it had taken me. It tried to speak to me a few times, and not in a friendly manner. Its grip around me would tighten to an almost unbearable extent when it did so, I’m still not sure how it didn’t break any bones. In between that and checking its surroundings, it would stare up at the sky. It was waiting for something.

It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, but it had felt like at least an hour. Terror has a way of slowing down time in ways I still can’t understand. Regardless, it seemed to perk up when the sky started to darken. I knew something was wrong when instead of fading to black, the sky swirled with dark red clouds. It effectively blocked out the sun and cast everything underneath in a bloody glow.

It took me too long to rationalize what was happening, I was so swept up in yet another species hauling me away, that I didn’t think through the attack. Well, actually, it wasn’t an attack at all. Besides its anxious (yes, it was anxious) habit of using me as a human stress ball, it hadn’t actually tried to hurt me. To my knowledge, it hadn’t hurt anyone. It simply gave my building a new skylight then an open office balcony. It didn’t want to kill me, it wanted to take me here. At that point, I had guessed the swirling clouds above us had something to do with what it wanted with me.

I had a feeling I wouldn’t get out of this one. No one was coming to save me, no one had the proper time to realize what had happened. This was different, there were no demands made for me, no negotiations, no casualties, it was just there and then it wasn’t. I hadn’t even tried to communicate with it, that’s how perplexed I was. This… _thing_ was doing it all wrong. It was supposed to run rampant through the city, terrorize countless innocents, smash its way into my office, and then torture me long enough for someone to save me.

This alien either had a lot to learn, or was way too smart to be on this planet.

My brain bit off the ends of those thoughts when I noticed the ground seemed to be pulsing. It was a light vibration every few seconds and then became constant. The air felt charged with energy, small rocks and loose dirt began to levitate weakly, just a few inches off the ground. I think it laughed at that point, and though it had three parts to its mouth, I think it smiled too. That was when I knew I was done for. The great Lena Luthor vanishes without a trace after a hulk-like creature appears and disappears in seconds with no warning to its arrival. It’s a bit long for a headline, but it’ll sell.

Of course, even when Lena Luthor is alone, she isn’t _alone_. My white knight in a cape just happened to show right as the creature began to float. I had blinked and gone was the giant and quite frankly, sharp, hand of the monster. When I had realized the creature was airborne (but not going straight up as it planned, more going straight out after it was struck), I also realized I was now safely in the arms of probably the last person who wanted to save me. Even in the red glow, she was beautiful.

She asked if I was alright (she still hadn’t put me down).

I didn’t know how to answer. Of course I was alright, but something about that moment made every nerve ending I had and didn’t even know existed, burn with panic. It distracted her, maybe she heard the beating of my heart increase, rather than decrease whenever she usually saved me. I blinked again, and the creature was now sailing off in another direction. I realize now that she had backhanded it after it charged us, but in the moment, I was still frozen. The creature couldn’t beat her, it wasn’t nearly strong enough, so what was its purpose?

“Lena?” She had asked with a tenderness I had only heard from one other person on this planet.

In that moment, it didn’t matter whether I trusted her or not, it didn’t matter if we had our issues, I knew she would always come for me. She always had.

(She still hadn’t put me down.)

The trees were rattling with the ground at this point. The noise was white and almost deafening. I didn’t hear the helicopter touch down near the ruins of whatever that building used to be. I vaguely saw Agent Danvers, Agent Henshaw, and many other useless faces scramble towards us. A maddening crack broke mine and Supergirl’s trance, drawing our attention to a nearby tree. The creature had anchored itself to it, now being pulled twice as hard into the sky.

(She finally put me down.)

She had yelled for Agent Danvers to protect me while she, “sent that thing back where it came from.”

She gave me longing look, I stared back at her.

Then she took off. The creature launched itself at me, she intercepted it, and took to the sky. Whether by choice or because of whatever force was ripping the creature into it, they both shot off to the center of the swirling clouds. She was underneath it, pushing, hurtling it into the vortex.

That was when something went wrong, truly wrong.

The center of the vortex flashed white, sending out tendrils of positive space whipping out. It slashed the few trees in the field causing them to implode then explode. It tore the rest of the cement ruins down in the same fashion and blinded us. There was a wailing from the light, deep and pained, and then it was gone.

The sky was still sickly red, the agents were still staring at the sky slack-jawed, and in the midst of where the light and the swirling vortex had been, we watched as Supergirl fell from the sky. “Fell” is actually nice way of putting it. It was more like the void rejected her and shot her back to the earth as fast as possible. Wherever it led, it did not want her there. I am by no means an athlete, but my heels were kicked off (I have no idea how they had stayed on this long), and Agent Danvers couldn’t even keep up with me. I would’ve laughed on any other occasion, I was in a pencil skirt.

I’m not sure why I ran like that, acting as if I could’ve caught her. I’m not nearly that fast and she would undoubtedly crush me with her landing, but I still tried. I was actually thrown back a little when she hit the ground, making a crater of dust where grass had been. I managed to stay on my feet and scramble into the divot, Agent Danvers hot on my heels.

I dropped to my knees when I got to her. Her suit dark with scorch marks and torn in various places. It took all my strength to pull her into my lap and cradle her head. There were no signs of kryptonite (that I could see), but she wasn’t conscious. There was a large claw mark where her crest was supposed to be. No bleeding, so it didn’t go through her skin, but the crest was shredded.

My hand unoccupied by an unconscious super cradled her face. It’s funny, I always figured I would be trying to shake her awake or calling for help. What the movies don’t tell you is how when you’re terrified, your lungs scarcely work at all besides giving you a slight gasp every so often. It works the same on roller coasters.

I was never allowed the commoner’s joy of theme parks, but that’s not to say I never went. It’s oddly easy to sneak in and out of a prison-like boarding school, even easier to not be recognized in public as a Luthor without some sort of gown or suit on. The first and last time I went to a theme park, we rode some sort of contraption that launches you (quite violently) 20 stories up. You sit up there for 30 seconds or so with the most amazing view of the town, then you plummet all 20 stories back to the earth.

People always screamed on that plummet. I watched a dozen times before having the courage to go on it myself. When the break-neck speed of rising 20 stories ended, I looked down at the beauty of the environment and counted to 30. The drop wasn’t a surprise, after all, I counted it down. I looked forward to my lungs clenching in excitement at the drop, forcing me to howl along with the others.

But that didn’t happen.

I reached thirty, I felt the mechanism release, I heard the first excited/fearful scream, then many others followed as we dropped through the first 5 stories. Out of the choir of high-pitched shrieks, I remained silent. My mouth was open, I was experiencing the same 3-G force everyone else was, but not one ounce of air left my body. The back of my throat was in some sort of vice and no matter how hard I tried, I was completely silent.

I gained a reputation worse than the one I already had just by being a Luthor. My schoolmates thought I was fearless, ruthless, stone cold because I was the only one on that ride that was unaffected. I let them believe that because it’s better to be seen as a conqueror of sorts than a victim of simple mechanics like everyone else. They were wrong, however. I learned something I could never forget that night.

True terror makes no sound.

Agent Danvers was panicked, shouting out commands left and right. What I didn’t expect, or even really registered until I looked back at the experience, was her order for any agents that were trying to approach me to stay way. She knew my silence wasn’t cold. She recognized my terror as if it was an acquaintance of hers too. She didn’t have the luxury of remaining silent as I did, or I’m sure she would’ve.

I couldn’t speak, I could hardly breathe, so I willed her to open her eyes. Maybe she would feel my rapid heartbeat and think I was in trouble, rousing her. Maybe my constant rocking and fidgeting would make her uncomfortable enough to awaken. Maybe my labored breathing would startle her as I was supposed to be an otherwise “unaffected” woman.

Maybe that’s what did it, because her eyes snapped open at that moment and I was finally able to suck in a full breath. Her eyes met mine and it fought off my nausea for the moment, but something was terribly wrong. Her eyes were wild, unfocused, it was like she didn’t even see me as a person.

She bolted from my arms, almost throwing me into the waiting agents behind us, and stood ten feet from me. When I stood, she raised her fists. Her breathing was much quicker than mine, her eyes bounced around to everyone in tactical gear, calculating.

“Supergirl?” I questioned. I walked forward a step but she bristled, stopping me. Her fists tightened and she trembled slightly. There wasn’t an ounce of recognition in her eyes.

“Supergirl, it’s me, Lena. I’m not here to hurt you and neither are they,” I said, gesturing to the agents well behind me. “You’re okay, that… creature is gone, you did it.”

“Lena.” She said it quietly, but loud enough for me to hear it. Her eyes were still hard, but softening.

Thank God it wasn’t permanent, just dazed after her fall. I don’t think any of us could’ve handled that.

“Yes, you saved me.” I took a step forward. “You took quite a fall.”

She looked around the crater and the surrounding area, her stance relaxed minutely.

“No one’s dead?” she asked.

“No, but that’s only because Lena and I aren’t fast enough to catch you.” Agent Danvers stepped up next to me.

That’s when things got, well, weirder.

Supergirl froze, the true terror from earlier taking precedence as she opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Her deer in the headlights expression almost made it comical. She dropped her fighting stance but was still rigid.

“Al-Agent Danvers, what are you doing here?” Supergirl stuttered.

“My job?” Agent Danvers was just as confused.

“You shouldn’t be here, I have this handled,” Supergirl spat back.

“This… Supergirl, you already handled it. The alien is gone, Luthor is safe, I’m fine,” Agent Danvers said.

Supergirl looked around at all of us again, then turned around to look at the sky where she had fallen from.

“I-,” Supergirl choked. “I think I have a concussion.”

The collective breath we had all been holding was released, a few snickers came from the agents and I heard Agent Henshaw let out a second breath. That is, until Supergirl turned back around with tears in her eyes. Agent Danvers barely held back what looked like the need to sprint over to her. I swallowed hard as Agent Henshaw began barking orders for his team to return to the DEO, and to take me with them for debriefing.

###

“Everything after that is a blur,” I say to a rather upset looking Agent Vasquez.

“You didn’t see anything else? Not when she hit the ground, not when she woke up?” she asks.

The only other things I saw that I definitely wasn’t supposed to see was Supergirl almost collapsing in Agent Danvers arms, sobbing, might I add.

“Nothing. She was just terrified and confused. I would be too after taking a header like that straight into the ground.” I take a sip of their painfully obvious tap water. “Why? Has anything else happened?”

“Nothing we need to brief you on, but if you see anything out of character from her…”

“I’ll call.” I finish for her.

“Call first,” she scowls. “Don’t play doctor, Ms. Luthor. The agents outside the door will escort you out.” She swiftly opens the door and lets the weight of it close itself after she walks out.

It’s that bad that I need an escort out of the building? I’ve literally walked into this place wearing a ballgown and _now_ they worry about safety, or secrecy, or whatever the hell they’re worried about?

As the agents so gently (one had a rather tight grasp on my arm) walk me towards the entrance, a teary-eyed Supergirl passes me. She makes eye contact briefly, gaze hard, before continuing. I want so desperately to reach out to her and ask if she’s alright, but she doesn’t seem too happy with me, or anyone really. I steel myself to be left out of yet another important plot point, when Agent Danvers steps in front of me.

“I got this guys,” she says to the two muscly men on either side of me.

We both watch them walk off back towards the “definitely not an interrogation” room and I turn back to her.

“If _you’re_ walking me to the exit, I can only assume it’s to get information or kill me. I told your agent everything, I have nothing to hi-“

“I know,” she cuts me off. She gently (surprising) takes my arm and continues to escort me to the front of the building.

“How bad is it?” I ask as an inconspicuous black car pulls up beside us.

“Amnesia.” She almost chokes on the word. “She knows she works at the DEO, she knows who all of us are, but there are a lot of things missing. She’s missing a lot of her past and almost everything she’s done for the DEO and planet earth in general in the past… 2 years or so.”

“Does she know me?” It’s selfish to ask, but I don’t want that to be gone, the good or the bad.

“She said you were friends but not anymore.”

Crap. I mean, good, she remembers, but of course she had to remember that.

“If you see anything-”

“I’ll call you,” I finish for her.

She nods and walks back into the building. At least she was nice.

So, what now? I have a half-amnesiac Supergirl on my hands as well as a suspicious government agency on my back. At this rate, there won’t be room for me to fuck something up. But where does that leave me? And are they really not gonna explain anything about the creature that tried to abduct me? I think I at least have a right to know about that. I get that they don’t trust me, but this is borderline threatening my safety. Something is very wrong here and though my gut is usually wrong about everything, I feel like things are going to get worse.

A lot worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been running from everything I've ever written for a long time, maybe this is the return. You have my apologies for any mistakes. Leave your thoughts.


	2. I Don't Know You Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I know you a little better than before.

10 days.

I haven’t seen her so much as fly by my building in 10 days. There have been numerous reports of Supergirl saving the city since my… office renovation, but there is not one news outlet that has any footage. Wait no, I’m sorry, she’s been seen once when an elderly woman needed assistance walking across the street. The onlooker snapped a picture on their phone then explained that Supergirl didn’t shoot off into the sky because of him taking the picture, but because the elderly woman proceeded to ask Supergirl if she was into “cougars”.

I honestly hope it’s the latter reason.

I tried to talk to Kara, see if she would tell me anything, but apparently James is running her ragged around town trying to find those very answers. Speaking of James, he’s been more… clingy than usual. It’s sweet that he cares, to an extent, but he’s probably one of the last people competent enough to keep me safe. Or, at least, he’s acting like he has a chance at not getting himself or his alter ego killed. Seriously, he’s a semi-decent partner, but strapping on an oversized tin can and calling it a superhero is hardly something he’s impressive with.

Or with hiding his identity.

Regardless, I’ve been frequenting CatCo to find any information on the lack of red and blue in any seeable form but have been coming up with nothing. I’ve hardly seen Kara, except for a few nods as we pass each other or my occasional text of ‘how are you’. I’ve mostly been getting one worded answers, and with the workload she’s had, I don’t blame her but…

It’s no secret she’s probably one of my favorite parts of the day.

“Ms. Luther?” I hear, startling me out of my thoughts.

Jesus-God, right, I’m at work.

“Yes, Jess?” I say into the intercom.

“I have Agent Danvers is on the line and-”

I nearly break my finger smashing the answer button, then nearly crack my skull slamming the phone against my head.

“What can I do for you, Agent Danvers?” I ask.

“Is the line secure?”

“Always.”

“Something’s wrong with Supergirl.”

Fantastic. I knew she had been keeping out of sight lately, but I figured she was just shaking off the last trauma. You know it’s bad if I’m being reached out to, willingly.

“What does ‘something wrong’ entail?” I ask.

“She’s… off. She only goes out on calls if she absolutely has to, she stays away from anyone with a lens, and she’s been… cold. She’s standoffish at best, to everyone.” Agent Danvers says.

I could hear the end of the sentence that she couldn’t say. ‘Standoffish, _to me.’_

“Red K?” I ask with a heavier than necessary sigh.

“No, there’s nothing in her system. The first sign it wasn’t Red K was the fact that she let us examine her _willingly_. She says she’s fine, but if she gets any more distant, Agent Henshaw has asked me to clip her proverbial wings for a while.”

“And seeing as she’s the face of National City’s heroes…” I trail off.

“We can’t afford mass panic because Supergirl is ‘acting shady’,” she says.

“Great, so I fit into this because?” I ask.

“You were there when that alien did whatever it did to her. We’ve never seen anything like it, so we have no idea if it had the power to wipe her memory or make her Red K without actually using Red K. Look, if you see anything-”

“I’ll call,” I answer. It’s worse than I thought if Agent Danvers is suddenly friendlier towards me.

“Thank you.”

“It’s no pr-” And she hung up on me. _Friendlier_ , but not friendly.

Literally the only nice thing about this whole predicament is that they don’t suspect me, for the first time ever. To be honest, I would rather Supergirl be fine and me be suspect for something I didn’t do than what’s happening right now. What’s worse, I can’t call Kara about it and pump her for any information with what James is drowning her with.

There’s a soft knock at my office door, which definitely shouldn’t be happening without a call fist, because I have an assistant that fields those type of things.

Dear God, it’s James, that’s why Jess let him through without any fielding. He’s probably going to fuss over me for a solid ten minutes before inviting me over to his place tonight. What answer says, ‘I don’t want to put up with you when there are more important things going on’ without seeming mean?

“You can come in, James,” I say. I hear the door open slowly. “If you’re going to ask-Kara.” I am pleasantly(?) surprised to see her instead of him.

She shuffles in to stop in front of my desk, a hard, yet tired look on her face. I stand up and walk around my desk to her. She’s in her traditional button down and khakis, but her usual smile is missing, and there’s not an eyebrow crinkle in sight. Her eyes are downcast and her posture is more lax than I’ve ever seen it. Something is _really_ wrong.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“I’m just tired,” she says quietly.

I know that tired. Her answer isn’t a cover for not being okay, her answer is _telling_ me that she’s not okay. She’s not missing out on sleep, she’s not being run to exhaustion all around the city, she’s tired of pretending that she’s alright.

“I can have James pull you off all the stories he’s having you chase down. Seriously, the amount of work he’s giving you is inhuman. You can even take a sick day tomorrow,” I rush out. What? That’s a very normal friend thing to do.

“That’s not necessary,” she says finally meeting my eyes… with so much sadness and emptiness, I don’t know where to start.

“Kara, you’re worrying me.” I place my hand on her arm and she almost looks like she wants to pull away. “Whatever it is, we can work it out. Is it that you’re worried about Supergirl?”

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to ask.

“So, you wanna do it like this?” She pulls her arm from my grasp and laughs, humorlessly.

“Kara, what are you-”

“Stop.”

She stares at me, into my soul really, and sighs.

“Kara-”

“I said stop.” Her tone is sharper this time. “I’m not here to do this with you, Lena. I’m just here to tell you that I know, so you don’t have to pretend anymore.”

I shy back from her. She’s unmoving, rigid now, cold.

I’ve done nothing wrong. I haven’t hidden anything, made anything, there are hardly any secrets I have that she doesn’t already know.

“I’m not sure what you mean by that, but I’ve done nothing wrong, Kara. I’m not ‘pretending’ so there is nothing to ‘know’.” I say in a pointed tone. “But please, enlighten me, what do you think you know?” I laugh just as humorlessly.

“I know that you know I’m Supergirl.”

Plain and simple. Like she was telling me what time it was or the forecast for the week, not an ounce of regret or panic in her voice. She doesn’t look like her earth just shifted on its axis at all… but mine definitely did.

“I-I don’t know what-”

“Stop,” she cuts me off again. “I’m not here to argue with you or listen to the dozens of pre-meditated stories you have to convince me that you don’t.”

My posture deflates for a moment before straightening, crossing my arms and lifting my chin. So, this is what Alex was talking about. Cold, calculating, and definitely not _my_ Kara.

“I guess there’s no arguing then,” I say.

“When?” she asks.

“Excuse me?”

“When did you find out?” She reiterates it sharply.

I must say, control looks good on her. Domination looks good on her. This entire building is mine, but by the looks of it, she walked right in like she owned it. I doubt Jess even tried to stop her. It’s… new. I can’t say that I like it, but it’s different. Regardless, it’s still _my_ building, so she can’t go unchecked.

“You flew here… on a bus,” I say monotone.

Ah, there’s the eyebrow crinkle, hello old friend.

“I don’t know what that means,” she says, shifting uncomfortably.

Right, amnesia.

“Our first solo interview. You told me you flew here on a bus. I didn’t have it figured out, but it tipped me off. I would’ve ignored it, had you not stuttered.” I smirk at her embarrassed fidget with her glasses. “Then there was the gala, where you strategically planned your appearances around both personas. I didn’t know it for sure then either, but it was a little too ‘try hard’ for my taste.”

There’s the signature ‘if I could blush’ expression I know. Even this amnesiac, borderline Red K Kara, is still Kara. She kind of looks like she wants to throw herself through the glass walls of my balcony, but I really hope she doesn’t, seeing as I _just_ got those replaced.

“I flew here… on a _bus_. I actually said that?” She ‘blushes’ even harder.

So much for her ‘I own the place’ confidence she strode in here with.

 “You did. But it was the moment I was ‘mistakenly’ pushed off my balcony by my mother’s henchmen when I knew,” I say as she perks back up. “You and Supergirl wear the same perfume. It could be seen as a coincidence, but I’ve also watched Supergirl catch someone mid-air.” I lean against my desk.

“Are you saying I have a signature catch?” She asks with an eyeroll.

“Yes, actually. You catch people in such a way that the jarring stop doesn’t break any bones or cause any damage,” I explain.

“Isn’t that a normal thing?” She asks, eyebrow crinkle returning.

“Very, but you didn’t catch me like that.” I pause for a moment, gouging her confused expression. “You caught me like you cared. It was gentle, and you held me much closer than you should’ve. You actually held me up pretty high on your body, like you were afraid to drop me. That’s when I knew.”

“So, basically you’ve been pretending for like two years for… what exactly?” The hardness returns to her voice.

“The same reason you never told me. You thought you were protecting me, so I protected you by letting you believe that. I admit, there are times when I resented you for it, said things out of frustration, but I always returned to my resolve.” I say.

She doesn’t look quite as upset about the fact that I know. She seems irritated, but this is not how I saw this going, especially so… casually.

“So, those where the only times you questioned who I really was?” she asks.

I can hear her hoping that those were the only times, but I’m not done with the checking yet.

“Oh no, there were multiple occasions where if I had to play any dumber, I would’ve actually lost brain cells. There was Supergirl’s incessant need to risk everything to save me, your need for Supergirl to be my friend, the Daxamite invasion you were way too close to as Kara _and_ as Supergirl, when you stuttered after I asked what your kryptonite was, the time I was poisoned and you flew me to the D.E.O. as Kara-”

“I did not.” She is mortified.

“Oh, but you did. You were too frazzled to notice my arm wrapped around you while we were flying even though I was ‘unconscious’,” I smile.

“Dear God, please tell it me it ends there.” She drops her head into her hands.

“And finally, the time you came for an interview after some sort of Supergirl related incident and you had missed a button. I saw a glimpse of the symbol and had you pray you noticed it on your own after you left to avoid anyone else finding out.” I am trying so hard not to laugh.

“So, I was an idiot, great. And you kept it all hidden because of goodwill?” She looks up at me finally.

“I believe I already explained why. Unless, this is when you’re gonna pull the Luthor card again and tell me my own intentions.” I admit, I could’ve said that nicer, but she didn’t have to come at me so accusingly either.

She laughs that same humorless laugh. She stares at the floor with an irritated smile, bordering sneer, and looks back up at me. Her eyes are hard again, like she doesn’t want to be here, like she doesn’t want to talk to me.

“I know Alex called you.” She looks back up at me.

“She’s your sister, she wants to help with... whatever this is.”

Her eyes widen and she looks somewhere between offended and astonished.

“Help? Look, Alex is my sister and I love her but, she can’t help me. Not with this, no one can,” She says

“Kara, she knows you better than anyone else. If not her, than what about Superman?”

That just seems to piss her off, judging by the clenched jaw and fisted hands.

“Lena, I’m not from here, Alex is a human, and Superman? He’s more human than Krytonian anyway, hardly capable of being hailed hero even on Krypton,” she forces out. “Where was he during the invasion? Where was he when the sky turned red? Where was he when that _monster_ attacked and I was the only one who-… and then I woke up in that field with you and Alex-”

“Kara, what did that alien do to you?” I ask it gently, as to not startle her. Forget checking her attitude, her confidence is false. She may be pissed, but she’s also afraid.

It does effectively cut her off. She stops and realizes that she is in fact, sweating. That’s something not even Lex has seen Superman do. She looks almost lost for a second, like she wants to start running until she finds something familiar. I drop my tough CEO act, stand back up from my uncomfortable post against my desk, and walk closer to her. She takes a small step back, so I stop. She looks like she did on that footage I had to wipe when she had that panic attack in the CatCo elevator.

“I… I said I didn’t come here to argue, and I definitely didn’t come to explain. I don’t owe you or anyone any answers.” She composes herself quickly. “I’m also not here to tell you what intentions you have as a Luthor.”

“So then, pray tell, what is it you came here to do?” There goes any concern I was showing with the return of that awful attitude.

She steps closer to me, much closer, too close for comfort. Her eyes bore into mine and fill with a coldness worse than the one she walked in with.

“I’m here to tell you, if your intentions as a Luthor change, there is not a planet you can run to that’ll hide you from me.”

It was soft, almost too soft for me to hear, but I know she knows I heard it. My heartbeat thudding in my chest told her that.

“Is that a threat, Ms. Danvers?” I square up my shoulders and stare right back into her eyes with my own special brand of cold.

“A threat? No.” She backs up and turns from me, walking to the door.

“Then what is it?” I ask, managing to hide the tremor begging to come out in my voice.

She opens the door and turns back to me before stepping out into the hall.

“A promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought Supercorp would remind me why I loved writing. Leave your thoughts, please.


	3. You Talk Far Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For someone so unkind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Lena describes what Kara's wearing in this chapter, you'll know *exactly* what she's talking about.

“Thanks for coming in on… such short notice.”

“There wasn’t a point in hiding it anymore, clearly. I think I’m more surprised that you didn’t shoot me on sight.”

“I haven’t felt that way towards you in a long time.”

“I wasn’t sure if this would give you that inspiration again, Agent Danvers.”

“Hardly. I’ve been waiting for this round of paperwork for a while, sadly it took a nasty knock to the head for Kara to finally realize it.”

My life has been a series of paperwork.

My birth certificate was hidden in a stack of NDA’s.

My adoption was hidden beneath boarding school contracts.

My title as a CEO was filed in between shareholder agreements.

My success was riddled with power of attorney forms.

And my, honest to God, pure prerogative is shadowed by sheets of signatures.

So, what’s one more?

“She really threatened you?” she asks.

She’s not asking because she doesn’t believe me, she’s asking because she can’t believe _Kara_. I called her shortly after Kara left my office, being sure that she left the building as to not eavesdrop on me. I told Alex everything, I didn’t spare one detail. It’s unlike me to be so transparent, but this situation is unlike anything I’ve ever dealt with. Alex practically broke Jess’s nose the next morning to get into my office. She personally wanted to escort me to the DEO to help me with the “revised” version of my story for her superiors.

It was an odd feeling. Alex has always been rather distant from me, although we have a very high respect for each other. On the drive here, she was… comforting. I don’t mean she held my hand or even told me it would be ok, she was just… strong. She was worried about her sister, but she worried for me as well. She walked me through what would happen now, what kind of ‘not interrogation’ I would receive, and all the details to leave out for mine and Kara’s sake.

It was the smoothest not interrogation I’ve ever had.

She’s been walking me through the NDA for the past hour, well, that and chatting in between clauses. It’s extensive, but surprisingly less than I expected, and less than it should be.

No wonder they have so many security breaches.

“I was just as shocked. She seemed so passive when she walked in, then puzzled, then upset, then… that.” I take a sip out of a glass of water in front of me, before looking into said glass with curiosity. “Did you guys finally get a filtration system?”

“It’s the ‘you’re one of us now’ water. I didn’t pick the name.” The amount of distaste on her face proves that. “And I’m sorry she did that. She’s usually so protective of you, I never thought she would _be_ the danger.”

I’m not going to blush at that.

“Well, this is the Kara that doesn’t remember the good parts. Unfortunately, just the one bad part is what made it.” I scowl at the glass in my hand.

“She’ll remember, if I have to beat it back into her thick scull, so be it,” she says with a sigh.

“Counterproductive, a head injury is what _caused_ the memory loss.”

“Double negative, another head injury puts her in the positive and she regains her memories.”

“Please tell me you know that’s not how it works.”

“At this point, I’m getting desperate.”

I don’t blame her. Honestly, I don’t know what I wouldn’t give to return Kara’s memories. Anything is better than this, than this shell of who Kara really is.

Alex walks me from the ‘not interrogation’ room out into the main foyer where agents are bustling about. Odd that they never followed up with me about the alien abduction, I still have no idea if they found anything yet. Of course, I could just discretely hack their servers, but apparently that’s no way to build trust.

“I would walk you out, but James is on his way in,” she says when we reach the main control console.

I stop dead in my tracks. Alex stops walking when she notices I’m no longer following and strides back to me.

Oh God.

“Please tell me you didn’t tell him why I’m here,” I say with a sharp look.

“I didn’t.” Alex rolls her eyes, then smiles. “Vasquez did.”

“Are you s-”

“Lena!”

“I’m going to find a way to murder your associate,” I whisper yell at Alex.

“I’m pretty sure that would violate one of the seven contracts you signed.” Alex tries to hide her smile.

“Lena, hey, are you okay?” James says as he finally gets to us.

“James, I’m alright. It’s just a precautionary thing,” I say.

He deflates with relief and pulls me into his arms. Despite not being one for PDA, I indulge him in a hug for a few seconds before pulling away. I try to ignore Alex slowly creeping away from us.

“If I had known she saw you as a threat now, I wouldn’t have let her near you,” he says, concern shining in his eyes.

“I don’t think there’s a person on the planet that could’ve stopped her and I think it’s better that no one tried.”

“She could’ve hurt you.”

“She could always hurt me, but she never has. She was sharp, yes, but she was also passive. I know what mal-intent looks like, she didn’t have it.”

He couldn’t have stopped her if he tried anyway, even in his Pepsi can. Hell, maybe not even with kryptonite. Him trying to stop her could’ve made her hostile. The fact of the matter is, no one knows how to deal with Kara anymore. No one knows what to say to calm her, appease her, or how to talk to her in general. On top of that, her relationship with James was already a roller coaster, he could’ve made her snap had he stepped in.

We both here a light thud.

Speak of the devil… in all her caped glory.

“Hey!” James turns towards her with his shoulders broadened.

I quickly step in front of him, his front colliding into my back just in front of Supergirl.

“Hey-uh, hey… you,” I cover awkwardly for James. I can feel him pushing, trying to get around me.

“Hi?” she questions. Thank God, she’s still passive.

“Kara, I’m-”

“Kara, _I’m_ just here for the usual paperwork,” I cut him off again, this time, digging my more expensive than necessary heel into his foot.

He sounds like he’s about to try again, so I shift my weight slightly, grinding into his dress shoe. I hear a sharp inhale and feel him back off slightly.

“Yeah… I know.” Her brows furrow, looking from me to James and back.

 “Is everything ok?” I ask, discretely moving my heel from James’ foot.

“I guess, I just didn’t know you guys were close.”

Oh.

Oh _no_.

“If close is what you call and romantic relationship, sure,” James snarks.

Someone must really want my heel back in his foot.

“Relationship? You guys are… uh, I guess my memory was affected more than I thought.” She’s confused. Really confused.

“Yeah, a relationship. That means I protect what’s mi-”

“James!” I spin around and glare at him with the hardest smile I can manage. “I am suddenly parched.”

“Lena,” he starts.

“So parched! In fact, if I don’t get water right now, I may very well pass out. Let’s go!” I drag him away from Kara and over to a table with a few bottles of water on it.

“Lena what-”

“Are you _trying_ to get your ass kicked?” I ask as I snatch a water bottle and, rather violently, unscrew the cap.

“Lena, she _threatened_ you. Before now, she was just a caution sign, now she’s dangerous. She can’t be allowed to think that that’s okay,” he says.

“James, she could sneeze and take your head clean off your body. Go ahead and see what giving her a reason to _purposefully_ hurt you looks like. Really, I would love to know how well you thought out this plan to publicly challenge her.” I look past his irritated expression of being wrong and give a fake smile to Kara who literally just scratched her head in confusion.

“Lena, I can’t just let her treat you like this.”

“You can and you will.” I look back at James’ crestfallen face. “I know you’re worried, but I need you to trust me. There is nothing you could do that I can’t. We just have to pacify her and keep her civil until her memories come back.”

James finally (and reluctantly) nods and pulls me into another hug. I’ll let him have this one as well, this day has me that exhausted.

And I still have more work to do.

It’s insanity, one hero loses a small portion of their life, and everyone loses the ability to rationalize. But of course, she’s not just one hero. She’s _the_ hero.

At this point, the only hero that matters.

###

            There’s a soft thud behind me and for the first time in my life, I really don’t wanna see her. I only have so much daily mental capacity, which is still more than most people, but she’s taken up almost all of it today. She’s either directly or indirectly involved in every single problem I’ve been having and I’m banking that she’s probably here to insert herself into a few more.

            “Supergirl, to what do I owe the… pleasure,” I say without turning from my desk.

“It’s just Kara right now.”

That peaks my interest.

I swivel around and see that she is indeed just Kara. Her hair is down with a white shirt and jeans and I’m not sure how to feel. I guess we’re blowing right past the ‘now you know but I’m going to keep pretending for a while until I’m more comfortable with it’ stage. I have a flask in the drawer to my right and if I chug the entire thing, I may be able to pass out before she starts talking.

“Right, Kara, what can I do for you?” I ask, retrieving said flask as inconspicuously as possible.

“When… when did you and James become a thing?” she asks.

Perfect. _That’s_ the problem she wants to insert herself into.

“A while ago, I believe you told me to go for it. Well, J’onn posing as you told me to go for it,” I say, discretely unscrewing the cap from the flask.

“Oh… well-I’m sorry, are you somehow going to _secretly_ drink that in front of me too, or did your plan only entail getting the cap off?”

Well shit.

“So, what did you need?” I ask, quickly taking a larger than necessary gulp from the flask.

“Why are you dating him?” she asks. She’s not accusatory by any means, she actually sounds curious.

“I believe the only people that need to know that information are me and him.” I will parry your inquires all day, I’m a CEO and phenomenal fencer.

“I know that, so why are you with him?” she asks again.

Another peak of interest. I swivel back to her on my left to gage her expression. Is she just being annoying or did she forget how relationships work too?

“I’m not sure I know what you’re asking,” I say.

“I’m asking; Why are you with a guy worth half your value?”

I think James may have felt the burn from here.

“Excuse me?” I ask, setting the flask onto my desk.

“For a certified genius, you’d think you’d know what chemistry is.” She mumbled that, but I know he wanted me to hear it.

Back to pretending this is your house, are you?

“If the best you can do is insult my intelligence, you can leave the same way you came in.” I stand up sharply and step close to her.

She doesn’t even flinch.

“And if the best you can do is avoid my question, I can stand here all day.” She doesn’t even blink.

“If it wouldn’t break my hand, I’d slap you right now.” I don’t have to blink either.

“You could break anything in this office over my head and it wouldn’t change the truth.”

“What do you want, Kara?” I snap, turning back around to lean my hands on my desk.

“I wanna know why you’re with him.” She’s genuinely confused, a jerk, but actually confused. “He wanted to fight me today and the only reason _he_ didn’t break his hand on my face is because _you_ stopped him. He’s great sometimes, but he’s an idiot with a big ego who thinks he can pass off power as affection. You said it yourself, there’s nothing he can do that you can’t do. Hell, you can do _more_ than he can without even trying.”

The amount of heat crawling up to my face from my neck is astounding. I would really rather be breaking my hand on her face right now, but I am so insulted that I literally can’t do anything but whip back around to her and gawk.

“You… you have no room to talk after you pranced around with that Daxamite prick for months while he paraded you around like every other pony he’s had underneath him. James may not be perfect, but he will never be the ass clown of a man that Mon-El was.” I am seething, so much venom in my voice I’m sure she felt it into her bones.

So, why the hell does she look even more confused… and nauseas?

“I did what?” Her voice is three octaves too deep.

Oh…

_Oh._

“Great! The one thing I have on you and you don’t even remember it,” I grumble. “Yes, the Daxamite you loved with a burning passion that was nothing short of a playboy-why are you making that face?” I ask.

It’s a face half way between throwing up and passing out. I would love to feel satisfied at her reaction, but this is a really nice rug that I _just_ got after the mystery alien absolutely destroyed my other one.

She sways a little on her feet and I’m embarrassed at how fast I was at her side and guiding her to my couch. She looks absolutely gutted as she sits down.

“The Daxamite… the one with the pretty face and the brain chemistry of a pineapple?” she rasps.

“Wow, one major head injury and you suddenly realize what a strong woman doesn’t settle for?”

The glare she is giving me is so worth the possibility of her melting my face off.

“I mean, I saw pictures but... regardless of… who I was in the past.” She definitely gagged a little. “That has nothing to do with you or why you’re with a guy who has his head so far up his own ass, that it goes into Superman’s ass, then he still manages to try to fit the rest of his bald, polished head into yours.”

I should’ve let her pass out and crack my floor with her enormous head. You know what? Fuck it, we can go back and forth on who’s more witty all day, but I’m tired and cranky because my alcohol is not doing its job.

“Kara, I’m going to explain this to you, as if you could possibly understand.” I stand with my comment and get right in front of her. I ignore her scowl and look her dead in the eyes. “For normal people, there comes a time in your life where it doesn’t matter who warms your bed. Anything is better than waking up cold.”

She looks up at me like she’s offended. She’s still confused, that eyebrow crinkle that I’m starting to hate more prominent than ever.

“Lena,” she says, standing to meet me, well within my personal space. “You could have _anyone_ you wanted.”

“Kara,” I say, stepping even closer to her, breathing the same air. Right now I hate that she’s taller, making me look up at her, another illusion that she’s in control. “It doesn’t matter who I want, because there’s only _one_ person that wants me. One. I have one option and damn you for judging me for taking the one thing that wants me.”

“For what exactly?” I’ve seen her shoot literal lasers from her very alien eyes, but nothing matches the blaze in her very human expression. “You can’t love him, you literally can’t. I _know_ you and I know you could never love someone like him. At least Jack could almost get close to your intellect. Strong woman? Strong woman isn’t dating the tinman with the emotional control and decision-making skills of a caffeinated toddler.”

I can’t tell if I wanna kill her or fuck her with how livid I am. She has the audacity-

“Wait, you remember Jack?” Light at the end of tunnel, here you are.

“I read the report. That and apparently, I journal a lot. He was the only man you ever loved.”

Fuck you light, fuck you and your tunnel.

“Of course, I’m not that lucky.” I almost laugh. “Whether you’re right or not makes no difference to me. This is what you do when you’re me, when you’re in the real world. You look past all the asshole in someone else. You let someone think you have no idea what they used to think of you and you stay with them anyway because you don’t have another option.”

That was entirely too much information judging by the look on Kara’s face. Good, yes, the alcohol decides to kick in now.

“What do you mean the way he used to think of you?” she asks. I’m not sure how, but the fire in her eyes has been snuffed out completely.

“It’s not a secret, I’m sure someone at the DEO is bound to bring it up eventually.” I step away from her, feeling a little shaky. I face the skyline, sunset on full display, and come to a stop in front of my desk. “He fought so hard to get me thrown into the cell right next to my brother, probably right across from my mother. Tried to get you to agree with his hunt for my head every time. I was evil and he made sure everyone knew it.”

I hear her walk up behind me.

“He was just-”

“Except you,” I cut her off. “You never left my side. You shut him and everyone else down, even when they went behind your back and still tried to pin everything on me. Did your reports or journal tell you that?”

She’s moving again, out from behind me to stop next to me. Her arms are crossed, annoyed, eyes boring into the side of my head. Annoyed, but not at me. It’s that same passive look she had when she threatened me.

“What else did he say?” she asks that like this new persona has no idea what Luthor even is.

“Many more unmentionable things he ‘admitted’ when he was drunk on more than one occasion in the past few months. He saw me as nothing more than a bucket hardly worth the spitting distance. Doesn’t matter much now though, he seemed to change his tune after he realized he could fuck me.”

She’s silent for a little too long. She looks less passive, a lot less passive. I kind wish she would go back to being a smartass. Also, remind me to throw that flask as hard as I possibly can off my balcony later.

“So then, that’s what makes a strong woman,” She whispers. So much malice, so much disgust. “The right to choose her own shortcomings.”

I didn’t think at that point. I didn’t think and I just swung.

She catches my fist just before it reaches her face. She’s unmoving, unblinking, _gentle_ , and she looks at me with pity. Had I not seen my trembling fist in her hand, I wouldn’t have recognized the sobs coming from my body. If she were the Kara that remembered me, I could’ve fallen into her arms and she would’ve told me that I could fix everything.

But she doesn’t.

She gently lowers my fist back to my side and just… stares at me. I fight to hold her gaze, even though the tears make it impossible to see anything. It’s fight I lose just as easy as she won. I can’t bear to look at her anymore. Just because I don’t want to believe it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. The tears bypass my face, falling right from my eyes to the floor. I can’t just look away, no, I had to face the ground. There was never an illusion of power, she had it all.

She always does.

So many bitter words and nasty comments rattle around in my head. I could destroy her, I know that, but I _won’t._ After all, how can you argue with the truth?

What I definitely don’t expect from this coldhearted, shell of herself is her laying her hand gently on my head. She leaves it there for a moment or two, some sort of comforting gesture that I’m ashamed to admit I drink up. My bed is cold and _anything_ is warmer than nothing.

“I don’t want you here,” I whimper.

She removes her hand and I barely manage to watch her walk onto my balcony. She turns back to me for a moment with that same passive look on her face.

“You may not know your own worth, Ms. Luthor, but you are worth so much more than _this_.”

I wonder if she means that for moment, but how can I question it? She didn’t tell one lie the entire time she was here. But I wonder, did she feel bad at all when she heard me collapse, hysterical, after she took off?

Somehow, I doubt it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of hate the way I wrote this chapter, but it's passable. Please, leave your thoughts.


	4. It's My House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I think it's time to get out.

“I just want to be clear, the only reason I said, ‘it was the worst’ was because I hadn’t heard about your encounter yet.”

“I would say yours is still worse, she’s your sister.”

“Yeah but she didn’t tear me a new asshole.”

“She’s your sister and she’s been cold and especially distant towards you.”

“But she didn’t tear me a new asshole.”

“She told you Maggie lied about not wanting kids leading up to your breakup when you told her what happened.”

“Yes Lena, and that stings, but she didn’t tear me a new asshole.”

It’s like we’re rehashing old war stories except that these are very current ‘Kara’ stories. I never thought I’d casually having coffee with Alex Danvers, much less to complain about Kara Danvers, but here we are. It’s been four days since I last saw her, but Alex has been around her (sort of) daily. Things aren’t fairing much better for her, I almost feel bad about being glad that she’s been too busy at the D.E.O. to come shit on another aspect of my life.

“That doesn’t make it any more okay. You two were best friends before the jolly green bastard landed in my office,” I say.

“Yeah, but it gets weirder than her suddenly going ‘Red K without the evil’.” She pauses for a moment and stares at her cup. “She’s been distant but also hovering. Like she’s worried about us getting hurt, insisting that she go on every minuscule mission, but taking off the second it’s over.”

Ah, so she’s _pretending_ she’s indifferent. Maybe. I have no idea, do I even have the ability to make assumptions anymore?

“Is it bad that I kind of hate her?”

Hello, thought that was supposed to stay in my head.

“Honestly, I don’t blame you, not after what she said to you.”

Oh thank god.

“Do you think we’ll ever get her back?” I ask.

“That option give her another head injury is still on the table.”

“I’m also getting that desperate. I can’t imagine all the ‘hiding’ is going smoothly for the DEO either.”

“It’s not,” she sighs into her cup. “We’re just barely keeping it together and she’s getting suspicious.”

We sit in silence for a few more moments before her cellphone vibrates in an awkward rhythm. A long awkward rhythm.

“Is that… Morse code for ‘get the fuck to work’?”

“Of course you know Morse code,” she grumbles. “And yes, just the alarm so I don’t take a long lunch.”

“Clever.” I smirk as I stand with her. We’re not quite on hugging terms yet but I can still be polite.

“It was the best I could do.” She pauses again. “Stay safe, Lena. Let me know if she shows up again and if she does, I will handle her.”

“I appreciate your concern, but Kara is hardly someone I can’t handle.” I never mentioned the breakdown after Kara flew off. “As for you though, being out in the actual field, stay safe.”

I got a smirk for that, then she disappeared into the crowd outside Noonan’s.

How on earth did we fall this far without one person? I am well aware of the damage that one person can cause, just look at my family, but the _absence_ of a person? Don’t get me wrong, death happens all around us, the absence of someone is very damaging, but I don’t mean the absence of life.

The absence of self.

The absence of knowledge

The absence of the one thing you could always count on, yet it’s still present.

The world still has a superhero.

But we are living in a world absent of who she was.

###

“Ms. Luthor, James Olsen is here to see you.”

Great, thanks Jess, as if I didn’t already have to worry about Alex accidentally murdering Kara, investing in Kara-proof balcony doors, _and_ if I want robotic puppies or alien kittens on the L-Corp newsletter today. I know it’s not your fault, but you are the closest thing in existence to me that’s within striking range.

“Thank you, Jess. Send him in.” Because I would never actually hurt Jess.

I stand to greet the man of the hour as my door opens to reveal a very irritated and slightly staggering James. Whatever polite and\or satire greeting I had locked and loaded dies on my lips as soon as I see him. I rush, as quickly as I can in heels, over to him and hold up his slightly sagging side.

“Oh my god, James, what happened?” I ask as I lead him over to my couch. “Do you need ice or, god, whiskey? Anything?”

“I’m fine, mostly, whiskey would be nice though,” he grunts.

I flutter around my office, telling Jess to hold all my calls, picking up water and whiskey along the way. When I settle back down next to him, he takes the alcohol first, with appreciation, and I set the water glass on the table close to him.

“James, what happened?” I repeat.

“What happened?” He takes a huge gulp of whiskey. “Supergirl happened.”

There… there’s no way, right? There is no way she finally snapped like we’ve been praying she wouldn’t and just… hauled off and hurt James, right? Oh god… what about Alex? Is she okay? I need to call her, or J’onn or-

“She had the nerve to say, ‘ _I saved your life’_ can you believe that?” he grumbles.

Wait.

“What?” I ask. I was two seconds from vaulting over him and running to my phone to call Alex but that caught me off guard.

“I know. Before, I was operating on a hunch that she was dangerous, but now I _know_ she is,” he says before slamming the rest of what’s in his glass.

“Okay, wait, start from the beginning, don’t leave anything out,” I say carefully.

“Some rogue alien was causing trouble down town, you know the ones that spit acid?” He pauses while I nod. “Well, Kara and I were sent to handle it. Long story short, it spits at me and she shoves me into a wall, a concrete wall reinforced with steel, to ‘save’ me.” His jaw clenches and his hand comes up to rub his chest.

“Wait, so she didn’t actually directly hurt you?” If this man does not start clarifying his story for me, I _will_ directly hurt him.

“She made it _look_ like she was saving me, but she punched a hole through my suit! Her entire hand went through my suit and she cracked three of my ribs. She ended up having to finish the mission by herself, then when asked to explain, she said she had to be sure I was safe.” He slams the water to chase the whiskey.

“Ok, so she damaged your suit, that’s fixable. She pushed you out of the way of acid, James.” So, she saves him, roughly, and he complains?

“That acid wouldn’t have so much as scratched that suit, Lena. And she knew that because I literally told her that before we left.” He sighs then winces at the movement. “Then she walks past me at the med bay later and says she’s glad I’m okay and she would hate for me to feel like ‘a bucket barely worth the spitting distance’, whatever the hell that means.”

_Oh._

Oh _my_.

“She said that, huh?” I can’t help the small smile that takes over my features. Thank god he’s too upset to see it.

“Yeah, and what’s worse, she said it with a smile. She knew that I knew she did it on purpose. Hell, I think everyone knows the truth, everyone’s just too pussy to call her on it.” He takes a hold of my hand and I squeeze it. “Lee, this getting bad.”

“I know, I know it is. Alex and I have been brainstorming, but outside of causing further head trauma, we have nothing.” I rub my thumb over the back of his hand and he calms a little. “We just have to let her brain heal and hope her memories heal with it.”

And when, yes when, I see her again I am going to tear her a new asshole with this information. She may have forgotten _a lot_ , but there is a part of her that remembers me, remembers how she used to feel towards me. She’s still the Kara Danvers that protects me no matter what, even from myself.

“I know, and that’s what scares me. I love her, but it’s like I don’t even recognize her anymore. After today, I don’t even think she recognizes us.” He looks as defeated as he sounds.

He has no idea how right he is though, minus her stunt today, I haven’t seen the real Kara in going on two weeks. She doesn’t know herself any more than we do, and she doesn’t recognize us any more than we do her. Her own sister is barely above a stranger in her eyes.

Can time really heal all of that?

“Lena, I need you to do something for me,” he says, catching my attention.

“Of course, what is it?”

“I need you to stay away from her, at least until all this blows over.”

You precious man, you _had_ to say that.

“And why exactly is that?” I’m going to remain calm in hopes that he’s not going where I think he’s going with this.

“Because of everything we just talked about. She’s dangerous and if she did this to _me_ , what’s to stop her from hurting-”

“A Luthor?” I finish for him.

He deflates.

“I wasn’t gonna say that.” He squeezes my hand. “But that brings up another point. Who’s to say she won’t suddenly turn into-”

“Superman?” I finish for him again.

“That’s not-he would never-will you stop cutting me off?” he asks, exasperated.

“Will you stop being predictable?” I mumble.

“ _Excuse_ me?”

Oh darn, he heard me.

“You realize how absurd you sound right?” I say standing and turning to fix him with a glare.  “I, a Luthor, have dealt with her more than you have in the last two weeks and have come out far more unscathed than you have after, what, an hour with her?”

“Oh, she is _not_ worth us fighting over right now.” He struggles to stand with me. “And Superman would never do that to you.”

“He already has!” I leave out the, ‘you absolute moron’ part. “And so did you if memory serves me correctly. Even with the lack of sunshine shooting out of her ass, she’s still done less damage then the both of you on any given day.”

“What-why are you being like this? I’m trying to protect you.”

“Because I don’t need your protection!” He actually recoils from me and I don’t feel the slightest bit bad about it. “I have stared death in the face long enough to casually invite him in for coffee the next time he comes calling, I grew up with the incarnate of Satan as a mother, I’ve watched the joy in someone’s eyes ignite while they crushed my windpipe, and for some bizarre reason, all of you pretend that I have no idea what ‘real’ danger looks like.”

His eyebrows are up to his invisible hairline and he’s actually stepped back from me a little.

Can you tell I’ve been stressed and that compartmentalizing only works when said emotions aren’t poked with a stick?

“Okay… I’m sorry, you’re right.” He hesitantly approaches me and places his hands on my shoulders. “I should’ve said it differently, I know you can’t protect yourself, I’ve seen it.”

Deep breaths, Lena. We are not about to completely explode on our boyfriend who is legitimately worried about us.

“Thank you,” I breathe out.

“What I meant, was that I would be more comfortable if you-why do you look like someone just punched you?”

“Because I’m not sure I can physically handle the end of that sentence.” My tongue is going to bleed if I bite it any harder. “James, I appreciate the concern, but I’m not staying away from this.”

“Uh, okay, well then I need to be there if she’s ever around you-”

“No, no no, you are not chaperoning me either.” Tick, tick, tick, tick- “You love her, I know that, but I love her too. And there’s a part of her that still loves me.” Enough to protect me from… myself.

And my shortcomings.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick-

“Lena, you need to listen to me, I know how to handle this. I’m going to be there if she’s ever around you, it would make me more comfort-”

“Oh my god, James. Seriously, fuck your comfort.”

Boom.

###

It’s always the nights we tell ourselves we’re not doing anything that we end up doing the most. Not always because everything goes wrong and we end up being busy, but because we usually get bored and end up needing to do _anything_ to pass the time. Honestly, who really relaxes by doing nothing?

Although I’m in sweatpants and a sweatshirt that’s definitely not Kara’s, glass of wine in hand, I’m still sitting on my couch crunching numbers. Part of it is still the damage that was done to my building, the another is a small… explosion in a lab last week, a bonus for Jess after she certainly didn’t accidentally get sent a nude a few days back, and updating the L-Corp security systems. This _is_ my relaxing night.

“A little late for work, isn’t it?”

That almost sent my tablet _and_ my glass of cabernet across the room, but I don’t have the patience to replace either, so I hold on to both.

Barely.

“Fu-” I spin around as much as I can on the couch. “-dge. You know, just because the balcony door is open, does not mean it’s an invitation.”

Finally, the first smile of hers I’ve seen since this mess started. It’s a small one, but I’ll take any victory I can get.

“I figured you would appreciate not having to get up after getting comfort-is that my sweatshirt?” Kara asks, taking a step towards me.

“It’s not absurd that your less… 1950’s style eventually made its way into my closet.” I snark.

“So then, are those my glasses too?” She smirks as she comes to stand in front of me.

The amount of heat crawling up my neck every time she’s around is astounding and, quite frankly, irritating.

“We can’t all have 20\20 vision and wear fishnets paired with a cape can we?” I say while taking off said glasses and setting them on my coffee table.

“Fishnets?” she gapes, appalled. “If that’s what you think fishnets are, then I would love to see what your lingerie collection looks like.”

“How cliché can you get? What, because I’m rich, I have a fancy lingerie collection?”

“So, if I x-ray your bedroom right now, I won’t find multiple sets of something cashmere and lacy?” Her eyebrow is arched up in a challenging manner that makes the idea of hate-fucking appealing again.

“It’s not cashmere,” I say into my glass, taking a sip.

“Right, well, regardless of your taste in fabric, I’m actually here for a reason,” she says.

Great, seeing how well every interaction between us has been lately, I’m going to end up crying into my wine in the next 10 minutes. She’s incredibly disarming, dressed also in sweats but in a t-shirt with a ponytail to accompany it, she looks like the pre-amnesia Kara. I have to remember the security I feel around her is false.

Mostly.

“Okay, what can I do for you?” I ask.

“Nothing, it’s not favor.” Her eyes drop to the floor for a moment, the first bit of insecurity I’ve seen from her. “I… just wanted to say I think you did the right thing.”

“Going with red instead of white?” I gesture to my glass.

“No, well actually, yes. But that’s not what I meant.” She deflates a little. “I meant breaking up with James yesterday.”

Oh that. That deserves a larger than necessary gulp of wine.

“I’m surprised he’s already telling people.” Another large gulp. “He was… more than upset afterwards, but I’m glad to see he’s calmed down.”

“Tell that to the freshly broken hand…”

And now I’m aware I need to stop gulping so I don’t choke when she mumbles things like that.

“Is he okay?” I exclaim, setting my glass down

“If you count a bruised ego as okay, then yes. I was actually surprised at how easily it broke.”

Oh my god.

“You broke his hand?” I shoot up, getting right in her face.

“No,” She recoils a bit at my invasion of her personal space. “ _He_ broke his hand on _my_ face.”

“Are _you_ okay?” I instantly reach for her face.

Her hands shoot up, grabbing my wrists and stopping my movement. She’s stiff, but also giving me a ‘duh’ look.

Right, superhero, she’s fine.

“Wait… why did he hit _you_?” I ask.

“Well-wait, he didn’t hit _you_ , did he?” Her eyes widen and her grip tightens.

“Human wrists,” I say and she quickly let’s go of my wrists. “And god no, I would’ve beat his ass long before now if he had.”

“Right.” She relaxes at my answer. “Anyway, he suggested we spar in the kryptonite room this morning. I could tell he was upset by his heartbeat and the fact that he looked like he wanted to murder me.”

“So, he just hauled of and swung?” It honestly sounds like something he would do.

“More or less. I had literally just turned on the dampeners and turned around into a fist coming the other way.” She sighs, long and exaggerated. “I guess in his rage he forgot that the dampeners still don’t make me human enough for that… and I also didn’t turn them down enough for sparring anyway because I had a feeling he would do that.”

“I am so sorry he did that,” I say, running my hands over my face. I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed that I dated someone with that level intellect or that she was right about it.

“It’s fine, although he’s convinced I’m the reason you broke up.” She smirks at me.

Hello again uncomfortable heat.

“Oh don’t flatter yourself, you may have pointed some things out but it had nothing to do with you,” I say.

She stares at me for a long moment, smirk still in place. We both know I’m lying, but if she has one decent bone in her body, she’ll let me have this.

“Right, well, Alex isn’t happy about it. He’s not cleared to be unattended around me for a while.” She says.

Oh, what a perfect segue.

“Well it’s not like he’s of much use anyway since you punched a hole through his suit.” My turn to smirk.

She freezes. I mean literally freezes, not even blinking. Is this how she’s felt every time she’s had the upper hand with me? If so, I can see why she likes it.

“Is that what he told you? Because I saved his-”

“Life? Bullshit and literally everyone knows it.” She can’t really blush, and I know that, but watching her squirm is just as satisfying. “You can pretend you’re indifferent all you want, but you did what you did for _me_.”

Her squirming as stopped quite suddenly and I don’t like it. She actually looks offended.

“Ok, let’s get one thing straight,” she says leaning in. “I did what I did, because he was being jerk. What I did was something _anyone_ could’ve done. What I did is something I would’ve done for _anyone_.”

I hold her stare for a moment.

“I don’t believe you,” I say.

“You don’t have to believe it for it to be true, we’ve covered this,” She says, dropping back into the dick she’s been lately. “I don’t know what you think is going on-”

“What _is_ going on?” I cut her off. “You keep acting like you don’t care and like you don’t remember our friendship then you pull something like this and expect what exactly?”

“Lena, we are not friends,” she spits.

Well that hurt.

“Dear god, Kara, Supergirl caused a problem. I was pissed and hurt and you had to know there would be some sort of falling out over that.” I take a step back from her.

“Lena, I _am_ Supergirl. You have a problem with Supergirl then you have a problem with Kara Danvers. You _knew_ exactly who you were dealing with.” She uses my step back to her advantage, taking one towards me.

“So then that’s it?” I yell. I am beyond frustrated with her at this point. “Because you don’t remember what happened afterwards, we just throw everything away?”

“I can’t give you whatever the hell it is you want from me. I can’t just blindly give you friendship or second-hand revenge or tru-”

“Trust?” I cut her off.

She actually has the heart to look slightly guilty.

“Trust,” she confirms.

  And that hurts a lot worse.

“So, what? I’ve regressed back to just a Luthor to you?” Keep it together.

“You are a Luthor,” she says with a finality that I can’t even argue with. “You may not be like the rest of your family, but you have a name that carries weight and a bank account that carries just as much. You have the ability to turn on someone just as much as someone like James could.”

“Right,” I say barely above a whisper. “So, it’s not that I’m a Luthor to you, it’s that I’m no more than anyone else.”

“You shouldn’t have expected more. I was clearly not someone who knew how to make even semi-decent decisions before, but that’s not who I am now.” There’s nothing, no remorse, no tact, no sorrow in her eyes.

I hate that she means every bit of it.

“I hate who you are now.”

This actually shocks her a bit. She’s not wounded by it, but she wasn’t expecting it.

“I won’t apologize,” she says quietly, not for her sake, but for mine.

Anything louder will actually break me.

“I wouldn’t expect you to, especially not now. Wouldn’t want to damage your god-complex.” I turn from her abruptly.

“I don’t-”

“I’m also getting really tired of having to ask you to leave.” I don’t want to hear whatever else she has to say. She’s done enough.

“Okay,” she whispers. She walks over to my balcony and prepares to take flight.

“Kara,” I call after her.

“Yes?” She hesitates before looking back at me.

“Don’t come back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, fun fact, the first six chapters of this fic were all written before James and Lena's breakup. Good to know the writer's are still that predictable.
> 
> Ignore me, I'm bitter.
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts.


	5. Hate Will Make You Cautious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love will make you glow.

It amazes me how well put together I am in the most hostile of environments. I tend to always keep my cool, even when I’m in the half of the cargo plane that Supergirl can’t hold and my Irish accent that mother slaved years training me out of is on full display. Accent or not, even when I’m panicking, I usually already have my mind made up.

I knew the second it was between Kara or Jack, that I was choosing Kara. I hesitated, remembering all he had meant to me, the only man I ever loved.

And then I killed him.

I never regretted what I did to save her, I still don’t. When I think about it, in the moment before I executed the code to kill Jack, I think a part of me had already tallied every moment I had spent with Jack and concluded that I would’ve taken the moment I met Kara over all of them. He was being ripped apart in front of me and all I could think about was her.

The aftermath of anything traumatic happening to a Luthor is even more traumatic, believe it or not.

When Lex found out that Clark Kent and Superman were the same person, it was like an atom bomb. It went from fear and jealousy to blood-lust and obsession. The cliché madness associated with Lex Luthor was the final evolution, not the underlying product of the man he always was. There were no signs before his ultimate transformation, he wasn’t mentally fractured, he didn’t even want Superman dead before that.

It was the betrayal.

It broke him and he latched onto it. It was the only thing he knew and the further he fell into it, the more he became the villain. I think there was a pinnacle moment where he could’ve been saved, but by then, even his former best friend thought he was a lost cause. Does a part of me blame Superman for the loss of my brother? Absolutely. I just wanted Superman to save him, I _knew_ he could, but he sided too quickly. He did what we all do, he heard the majority, and he just went with it. It’s why I’ll never see him as earth’s hero, not the true one anyway.

Earth’s true hero doesn’t even know who she is at the moment. Funny, even now, she’s still better than he is.

When I met her as Kara, I met Clark Kent alongside her. Superman was standing in my office and I couldn’t even reveal that I knew who he was because this… true hero in disguise was next to him. Even then, she probably saved us both that day. She kept me from opening my mouth and becoming his next enemy, while she saved him from the PR that comes from tossing a woman from her office balcony.

But even then, knowing who he was, him non-the-wiser, I only came off as I wanted to be perceived. Even then, I chose her. But I wonder now, does that even matter anymore? To her, certainly not, she doesn’t even remember it, but to me, I’d still do it all again.

She’s kept her distance, as I asked. 12 days and no super in sight. It’s been… decent. It’s hard not to see her at all, I keep thinking she’s going to show up for lunch or bearing some sort of baked gift. Roughly a month of her true self’s absence and it’s like someone cut a hole in me.

“You look like someone cut a hole in you.”

To be fair, it’s not like I’m _trying_ to hide it right now.

“Are you telling me I should feel overjoyed at running numbers for seven hours straight?” I answer.

“No, but this can’t be _that_ depressing.”

“You told me you were leaving, you’re back because…” I trail off.

“You’re right, I said I was leaving, I never said why.” Alex holds out a cup of tea brewed from a small shop that’s definitely not open yet. “I’m not gonna leave you here working all night while the rest of us sleep.”

I think I’ve seen more algorithms tonight than movies in my entire life. The skeleton crew has been toddling around but I’ve been relatively left alone at the center console, outside of the moments Alex would come in to see how I was doing.

“Clever, yet predictable,” I say taking the tea.

Alex sits next to me, presumably with coffee, and kicks back. She was really only here to keep me company to begin with (not that she’ll ever admit it), that is, until some sort of rogue alien (why is that all we have these days?) started causing trouble downtown. After that she went into work mode and guided Kara through it. It’s a quick job that doesn’t require Kara to enter the building at all (thank god), she should be wrapping it up about now and dropping the alien in the back where a few agents are waiting. As for me, there was some sort of numeric anomaly that the DEO picked up on an abandoned radio wave that apparently only I could understand. I’ve been trying to decipher it all night, literally, the sun will be coming up soon.

“She was right,” Alex says suddenly.

“Gonna have to be a bit more specific.” Seriously Alex, it’s 4:30 AM.

“Kara was right… about Maggie.”

Oh.

Oh _god._

“I’m not sure I like where this is going,” I say setting my tea down and turning to face her.

She looks far less distraught than I would’ve thought.

“There’s not anything to not like. I called her, we talked, she told me, it’s done,” she says, avoiding my eyes.

“Am I supposed to guess how it went or…” I trail off.

“She wanted to have kids with me,” she says meeting my eyes, hurt evident in hers. But it’s not the kind of hurt you would find when your world falls apart. “She wanted nothing more than to be a mother… with me.”

It’s the kind of hurt you have after loving something so much and having to let it go because it was for the best.

“So, what does that mean?” I ask.

“She went into our relationship knowing she was in second place. Kara would always take the top priority, no matter what.” She sighs, dropping her gaze to her lap again.

“Well that’s a little harsh.”

“She was right.” Alex smiles to herself. “Kara has always been my number one, always will be… and she loved that about me.” Her eyes get wet with that last part.

“So then, why?” I ask.

“Imagine being the head of a family where your kids only know your face from a photo. Spending your nights praying, when you’re not even religious, that your wife comes home to her family.” She sniffles and sighs again. “Imagine loving someone who will always love someone else more.”

I feel the need to reach out to her. I mentioned that we aren’t on touchy-feely terms yet, but now I feel more compelled than ever.

“Alex…”

“And she was okay with that. She was so okay with being number 2. But our kids, our future, they can’t ever be anything other than number one and she knew that.” She pauses for a moment, mulling over her next words. “This job, Kara, is my life. I’d choose Kara every time. Maggie knew that, but she would never tell me, she would never make me choose so…”

“It was easier to let you hate her for some bullshit reason than tell you the truth and let you hate yourself,” I finish for her. I hate that she left for a reason that’s actually noble, because it makes it harder to hate her. And this information is so infuriating that I say fuck the ‘we’re not touchy-feely yet’ and I lay my and on top of hers.

“Exactly.” She places her coffee down and lays her other hand on top of mine. “We talked about kids briefly before and she seemed on board. It felt like it came out of nowhere but… I was too angry, too hurt to rationalize it. Kara just laid it all out all while ago when I was trying to jog her memory. I finally gave in and called two nights ago.”

“Alex, I am so sor-”

I’m interrupted (and thoroughly startled) when a strained “head’s up” comes flying into the DEO from the ceiling landing, quite ungracefully, on one knee and cracking the tile.

“Jesus Kara! You know we have a-”

Alex is then cut off by Kara staggering to a standing position, holding her left side.

“Why are you bleeding?” Alex borderline shrieks.

Kara has beads of sweat lining her forehead as she clutches her side. Alex and I rush over to her before she collapses and I notice that she’s not clutching her side, she has two fingers _in_ her side. Alex tries to steady her, keeping her upright as she also notices Kara’s right hand’s placement.

“Why are you-Kara I swear to god, if this is some sort of fetish gone wrong-”

“Are you serious right now?” Kara grits out.

“What do you expect me to think?” Alex argues, face changing through all the different shades of ‘what the fuck’.

“The little-Jesus God-bastard had a kryptonite knife. It’s weak so it broke off when he stabbed me,” Kara says as Alex and I take as much of her weight as possible, leading her to the infirmary.

“So, you thought fingering it instead of pulling it out was the best course of action?” Alex yells.

“No,” Kara grinds her teeth. “The kryptonite itself is also weak so-Lena stop laughing! The kryptonite itself is also weak so my skin is trying to heal over it. It’s weak but strong enough to cause _a lot_ of problems if it moves.”

“Can you tell where it is?” Alex asks as we help Kara onto one of the med-bay beds.

“Yeah, my fingers are around the tip, I couldn’t-Lena, I swear to god, I can see you smiling! I couldn’t get it with one hand at that angle,” she groans.

I bite my lips as Alex shuffles through some industrial clamps and needles.

“Okay, you have to hold your skin open, otherwise you’ll heal through anything I use to pull it out, then you’ll have kryptonite _and_ tungsten carbide floating around the inside of your body,” Alex says.

 Kara nods her understanding, but Alex pauses.

“Kara… you have to pull your skin open-”

“I know!” Kara cuts Alex off. “I’m sorry, I know. I just…”

I kind of feel bad for laughing now, but the parallels were uncanny.

She looks exhausted and… a little nervous. It’s actually the most emotion I’ve seen from her since the head trauma. Her left hand keeps flexing, as if that’s going to make this any easier, but it gives me a good idea of how I can feel less useless, as I’m just sort of standing here.

“I’m not sorry for laughing,” I say, taking her left hand in mine.

She actually dead-ass freezes, completely tense, and stares up at me.

“What are you doing?” She asks skeptically.

“Can’t bothered to be touched by me either?” I ignore Alex’s awkward fiddling with a pair of industrial tweezers.

If Kara seriously tells me she doesn’t want me to even touch her, then I’m halfway to ‘accidentally’ jamming my thumb into her stab wound.

“I could break your hand,” she says with… actual concern.

“You won’t,” I say, looking into her eyes.

“Lena, you could seriously get hurt. I don’t-”

“Kara, open your damn stab wound.”

She rolls her eyes at me and holds onto my hand as tight as _humanly_ possible. She takes one long deep breath and nearly activates her heat vision as she starts pulling the sides of the skin away from each other. She opens her eyes, sans the heat vision and grunts as Alex starts digging around. She groans once, then twice, as Alex’s eyes meet mine, unbeknownst to Kara. There’s an entire silent conversation of ‘I got it, but it’s gonna hurt like a bitch; distract her’ which ends with me nodding.

“So, does this mean you don’t wanna hate fuck me as badly as you used to?” I ask.

This question is very effective, too effective actually, as it not only startles Kara, but Alex as well. They both freeze and gawk at me before Alex remembers why I said it and pulls the kryptonite blade out something fierce. Kara only managed to get out a ‘wha?’ before it happened.

“RAO-” She somehow manages to not break my hand. “F-FUCKING YELLOW PENGUINS!” Her entire body left the bed for a millisecond before she collapsed back onto it and pulled the hand holding the stab wound open away. Needless to say, it healed almost immediately.

“That’s a new one,” Alex says, dropping the blade into a lead lined box.

I forget that lead is as common as a cotton swab around here. Maybe I should invest in that.

(She was still holding onto my hand.)

“Where penguins yellow on Krypton or did Rao just have a sense of humor?” I ask.

 “Can you guys not?” Kara breathes.

“You can ‘not’ all you want but I wanna hear about this hate fucking,” Alex says turning back around to face us.

I immediately flush and Kara glares so hard the possibility of heat vision may return.

“Shouldn’t you be analyzing that?” Kara points to the lead box.

 “Fine, Lena can take over and watch you strip then.” Alex smirks as she walks around us to the door.

“Wait what-Alex come-” Kara watches the doors close behind Alex. “Back…”

“I don’t know what you’re so worried about, you may not remember it, but you and I have changed in front of each other plenty of times,” I say.

(She finally let go of my hand.)

She hesitates, looking at me for a moment.

“Why do I even need to take anything off?” she grumbles.

“To repair the suit and test it to make sure there aren’t any trace amounts of ‘you already fucking know this’ left over from the attack.” I glare at her. “Do I need to take it off of you?”

“No,” she says as she stands.

She hesitates again before pulling off her top, which is quite comical to watch her squirm out of. She hands it over to me and runs a hand through her hair. Next goes the skirt and she’s left in cobalt grey boy-shorts and a matching sports bra. She hands the skirt over too and then crosses her arms in an incredibly awkward manner, way too low on her stomach.

And that’s when I see it.

There’s what appears to be a scar starting just on the left side of her abs. It disappears behind her arm but I can already tell it wraps around to her back. The moment she realizes that I’ve seen it, her eyes close and she deflates. Her clothes are immediately deposited on the bed and I’m reaching for her before I even realize what I’m doing.

“Lena,” she warns, taking a step back.

“Kara,” I parry, much softer, taking a step closer.

She sighs and resigns herself to not arguing with me, I guess. She holds my gaze for a second, searching for god knows what, but when she finds it, she turns around slowly.

I was right and wrong.

The one thin scar turns much thicker as it wraps around to her back, that’s when it turns into three scars, briefly disappearing under the sports bra, then stopping abruptly at her right shoulder. The PhD in me reaches for the scars immediately, ignoring her tensing, and calculating the depth and angle. The friend in me makes my touch soft, gently sweeping her hair aside, and wondering how on earth I never saw this.

“It tried to grab me,” she says, voice hard. “I think it’s the only time I was happy that I’m not impenetrable.”

It was strong and it had very sharp claws.

It was doing everything it could to stay in this world, it was only leaving if it had me with it.

But it couldn’t take me, so it tried to take her.

She took it for me.

My feather light touches trembled the more I thought about it.

She had gotten hurt again, possibly permanently, because of me.

And she doesn’t even remember the love behind why.

“Lena,” she says as she spins back around to face me. “You… _you_ didn’t do this.”

“I uh, I know.” I sniffle and take a step back, putting space between us. “I think I just finally get why you hate me so much.”

“Lena, it’s… complicated,” she says, stealing back all the space I created.

She reaches up, hesitating, before resting her hands on my shoulders.

“But you can’t deny it,” I state, unable to look at her.

“I can’t do a lot right now,” she says. “Will you please look at me?”

Reluctantly, I do.

“I hate this,” I say, catching her off guard. “I hate that I would go to the ends of the universe-the multiverse for you and you don’t remember… or know why.”

This must dawn some other sort of revelation to her, because she goes from mildly confused, to downright speechless.

“Well, by all means…” It startles us apart, neither one of us aware we had company, the worst company at that.

 “Why don’t you tell us _all_ why?” he says, taking a step in the room.

It’s James, and he does _not_ look happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had one hell of a start to this year, and a hell of an end to the last one. I should be back to posting now that it's over.
> 
> This chapter was actually a really important part of the outline for this story. I knew I wanted to address Maggie from the moment this plot was born. I wanted her absence to just finally make sense and not feel so swept under the rug like the way the series handled it. I wanted real closure for Maggie and Alex's story, so here it is.
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts.
> 
> A.Y.P.


	6. Take Care to Bury All That You Can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take care to leave a trace of a man.

I am literally never allowed to be lucky at all in my life. If you’ve ever heard me use that word, trust me when I say: It was used ironically. Having my ex show up while I’m talking to his barely clothed recent nemesis saying something that can easily be taken out of context, proves that.

(Kara hadn’t pulled her hands from my shoulders.)

“James… what are you doing here?” I ask.

Kara stiffens visibly as James takes another step towards us.

“Well, I _was_ coming in to keep you company. You know, because I still care about you, but it looks like you already found someone else to do that,” he says, squaring his shoulders.

“I was just taking Kara’s clothes for analysis. She got stabbed earlier, that’s all,” I say with a pointed look.

“That’s all?” he sneers, glancing at Kara.

The annoying part is, _now_ he doesn’t wanna hit Kara. I mean, I’m not sure his ego can even handle the cast on his hand already, so imagine two. It’s endearing that he learned that lesson, but even more irritating that now he doesn’t want to hit her…

He wants to hit me.

“I’m not sure what you’re implying, James, but I don’t like where it’s going.” I turn to fully face him.

(Kara’s hands drop from my shoulders at the action.)

“You don’t like what I’m implying? What, you think _I’m_ hiding something?” he laughs.

God that makes my blood boil.

“If the best you can do is mock me-”

“So then, I was right?” he cuts me off. “She _is_ the reason we broke up.”

“Oh my god, you’re obsession with her is worse than I thought,” I grumble. Check for another thought that was never supposed to make it past my teeth.

“What?” they both ask in unison.

Well, if I’m gonna ride this wave…

“Literally everything about Kara with you. Your jealousy of her is why you became a hero, she’s the only reason why you gave me a chance, you think she’s the reason I wanted to be ‘good’, and now she’s the reason we broke up?” My Irish accent is slipping in a little, but it’s worth the bewildered look in his face. “Seriously, did you do _anything_ yourself or can I safely assume that Kara also made your portfolio?”

The AC clicks on in the building. I know that because of the deafening silence in the room. James and Kara are looking at me with varying levels of surprise and offence. Although, that vein in James’ head is bright and bulging with anger. I just kicked a hornet’s nest, but to be honest, I’ve been through worse.

And quite frankly, I’d like to see him **try.**

“Okay,” Kara starts. “I think we all need to ca-”

“How long have you been sleeping with her?”

Not the hornets I was expecting, that question just made me choke on my next breath, while Kara just became her usual sputtering self. I’d take the time to enjoy her display of normalism had James not just taken another step towards me.

“The fact that-” I clear my throat. “You think so little of me that I would do that to you, really James?”

“It’s not like it’s a new concept to you.”

That right there…

That _right_ there.

I said there were very few secrets I kept from Kara, well, there’s one of them. One thing I shared in confidence with James after a ten-year stent of shame and regret.

Kara is still incredibly irritated and confused, but out of the corner of my eye, I can see her falter. Before her head injury, she would’ve understood after she asked for an explanation, but this is not the Kara that remembers that.

“Wow, you are really reaching tonight. Careful, wouldn’t want you to injure your hand doing something stupid,” I bite.

“Well, if I knew you were screwing her on the side, it wouldn’t have been so stupid would it?”

“Even if that were true, it would’ve still been stupid, but that’s about all I’d expect from you anyway,” I snap. “Are you really so angry with me that you can’t see how horribly you’re misjudging this situation?”

He looks back and forth from me to Kara a few times, smiling in disbelief.

“It’s just a little odd isn’t it? You suddenly break up with me, despite me being the only person that really loves you, and she’s the first person you run to,” he says.

“Right so, because you love me, I’m not allowed to break it off? And on top of that, I’m not allowed to do my job, which is literally what you walked in on.” My god, just drop it.

“Or maybe I just walked in before you bent over for another hero. Like-”

“Like the way you bend over for Superman?” I cut him off.

You stop this before I bury you.

His face gives the impression that I just slapped him. Appalled, surprised, offended. He is literally just another generic knock-off of every other male in distress. Losing an argument of wits? Imply she’s a whore, that always works.

“No, like the way you _loved_ bending over for _me_.” He smirks. “Take notes, Kara, it’s how you tame a Luthor.”

Okay… it’s not _supposed_ to work, but…

That. **Hurt**.

“You must be loving this,” I say quietly. Any louder and he would’ve heard tremor in my voice that I know Kara heard. “Couldn’t make her turn on me before, so this is your big chance, right?”

I step back and lean against the bed Kara was using. Crossing my arms, livid and hurt, James has the decency to at least look like he _thinks_ he went too far.

“Alright… Lena,” he starts.

“Go on then, tell her. Tell her everything, every despicable part of me that you just couldn’t wait to share.” I hate knowing he can see tears in my eyes. “What else is there, James? Let it all out, every intimate detail. She shouldn’t trust me unless we’re sharing a bed, right? Why else?”

The bastard has the audacity to smirk again.

“Because at the end of the day,” He starts, stepping way too close to me. “You’re still a Luthor.”

“And at the end of the day,” I match his smirk. “You’re still Superman’s little _bitch_.”

You can almost always rile a man up enough to cause him to act upon it. _Almost_. There are many that don’t have the personality for it, the ones that can handle their own emotions.

James, is not one of those men.

I knew it was gonna happen and I knew it was worth every square inch of pressure. Believe it or not, the most important thing I ever learned from being a Luthor was how to take anything on the chin. Not just with finesse, but with pride. Raise your chin, square your shoulders, and you smirk in the face of whatever’s coming your way.

I didn’t watch his fist haul back, I didn’t flinch when he brought it forward, I didn’t cower at all, I didn’t even blink. I kept my eyes directly on his; if he was going to throw himself off this cliff, then I was going to be every damn rock he hit on the way down.

However, I _did_ blink.

His fist stopped barely a hair from my face and I blinked.

He actually looked more surprised than I did, well, his surprise was also glazed with the startling realization that he had tried to hit me. His expression then morphed into that of pain as the reason his fist didn’t connect with my face began to test the strength of his bones… again.

His back hit the wall, hard, effectively knocking the air out of him with a very unsettled Kara one step on front of me.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she yells.

“Kara, you don’t-”

“If you finish that sentence with ‘understand’ I will break your other fucking hand,” she spits.

That’s certainly… _new_.

From what I know, the only other time Kara’s sworn was when she dealt with Mon-el or anyone with the likes of him. I mean, I guess James is kind of on that level, but it’s still jarring.

And oddly arousing.

“What are you _doing_?” She gets in his face. “You’re supposed to be a hero, James. Why would you-why are you acting like this?”

Another moment where I wish she remembered.

He was something comparable to a real man at one point. It was before I met him unfortunately, before all this ‘Guardian’ business.

Before the jealousy and entitlement.

“Kara, I lost my cool for a sec-”

“If that’s the best you can do, you are about to lose a hell of a lot more than that,” she says, grabbing the front of his shirt.

Okay, no, we are not killing anyone tonight.

“Kara,” I say, placing one hand on her chest, the other on her side. “He is not worth it. You would just be doing to him exactly what he almost did to me.”

“That’s literally the point,” she argues.

“Not yours,” I say, killing the fire in her eyes. “Memory or not, you’re still the same person, and you don’t _do_ this.”

“Since when are _you_ wanting to play by the rules?” Kara asks, glaring at me.

“Exactly Kara, she’s playing-”

“Shut up!” comes out of both our mouths, causing James to look like he had actually been struck and not just cut off.

“Since when do you physically harm someone for no reason?” I shoot back.

“No reason?” she says turning towards me.

I had to bite my lips again to keep from laughing. When she turned, what should’ve been a simple release of James’ shirt ending up being her flinging him to the ground behind her. Seeing a tall, lanky man flail around before meeting the floor is slapstick worthy.

“I had it handled,” I say, forcing the laugh out of my voice.

“Getting punched in the face isn’t handling it, Lena. You would just be taking whatever he gave you while he gets off scot free.”

  “You think that a grown man hitting a much smaller woman in an environment practically _run_ by women would get off without consequences?” I regard her eye brow crinkle again as I imagine my face isn’t much different.

“What the hell happened to your back?”

“Shut up!” we both yell at James again.

“You’re telling me you _planned_ on getting hit?” Kara asks.

“Yes! You and I can report him all day for being a jackass but unless they have proof like say, I don’t know, punching a woman half his size, then this goes nowhere.” I say.

“Lena, he already punched me! He’s on probation-”

“Probation!” I cut her off. “He’s on probation yet none of his access is restricted, he’s clearly allowed to come and go as he pleases, and what part of any of this says that he’s learned from his mistakes?”

That stumps her.

I mean really stumps her. I can see the wheels turning in her head, and I’m sure she’ll come to find that my plan was not only better, but the correct method. Any moment of the day we’re surrounded by idiots with tempers, if you know which buttons to press in the correct order, you will command the entire room. I didn’t need to threaten, attack, or even antagonize, all I had to do was respond properly.

Something else I’m thankful mother taught me: Don’t work to put someone in the ground if they’ll do it for you.

“That’s…” she trails off.

“Brilliant? Yes, I know. It would’ve kept both our hands clean had you let it play out,” I say. “Best possible option, minimal but necessary collateral damage to my face, and he buries himself.”

“Brilliant? That’s manipulative, you set me up!” James yells, finally standing behind Kara.

“Right so, I bat my eyelashes at you, and you swing? It’s just that easy with you?” I ask, looking over Kara’s shoulder at him. “Are you telling me, that _anyone_ could ‘set you up’ that easily and you’re supposed to be a revered hero for this city? I can’t imagine what you’ll do when you meet your first mouthy teen.”

Ah yes, the resounding click of another well timed button.

“I can’t believe I ever trusted you,” he says, disgust written all over his face.

“I can’t believe your ego is still bigger than your di-”

“Enough!” Kara halts our… incredibly mature argument. “James, you need to leave. Alex is here and if she walks by, I won’t hesitate to let her kick your ass.”

“This isn’t over,” he says, glaring daggers at me.

“No.” Kara turns around and steps close to him. “This _is_ over, because if I for any reason hear her heartbeat next to yours, you’re the next one going over Cat Grant’s balcony. Are we clear?”

He looks like he wants to swing again, at anything. His fist is clenched and the spite in his eyes is going right through her and into me. He nods once, backing up slowly, never taking his eyes off me all the way out of the room. It’s gonna be a bitch trying to keep his focus on CatCo.

Well I can’t just fire him, regardless of his shortcomings, he’s good at his job. That and I should probably keep an eye on him anyway.

“Some words of wisdom Kara, ‘Men are always willing to believe two things about a woman: one, that she is weak, and two, that she finds him attractive.’ Feel free to use James’ behavior as a reference.” I smile as she turns back around to face me.

And she is not happy.

“He wasn’t wrong, you manipulated him.”

“And is it also my fault that he can’t handle being talked to the way he talks to everyone else?” I question. “Oh, I know, maybe it’s my fault that he can’t handle his own temper either.”

“You realize how messed up that is, right?” she asks, ignoring my statement. “If you can do that with him so easily, what stops you from doing it to me?”

“Ok, first, you’re a lot smarter than he is, so it wouldn’t work like that. And second, I would never do that to you,” I say. I would be more offended, but I have to keep reminding myself that she only knows me as Lex Luthor’s sister.

“But how do I know that? How do I know that you weren’t planning to throw me under the bus with him?” she asks, stepping close to me.

I really wish she would stop doing that. She could hear me talk from two cities away, why on earth does she need to be this close while were in the same room?

“Because I would never risk you,” I say a little softer. Hello again, little eyebrow crinkle. “I know that you have no reason to believe me right now, but I’ve got you Kara, I always have.”

I’m not sure I like the way she’s looking at me.

It’s like she wants to punch me, then kiss me, then punch me again. It’s also like she believes me, but doesn’t want to, but knows I’m telling the truth.

“You didn’t need to take a punch to prove that,” she mumbles, dropping her eyes to the floor.

Cute.

“I think it’s only fair, seeing as you already took one for me.”

Her eyes snap back up to mine.

“He’s a grown man with like, five percent body fat, he could’ve done irreversible damage to you. He _broke_ his hand on me and I hardly felt it.” She says.

Ever the calculating scientist.

“I know the science, Kara. I know how to take a punch properly, it would’ve just been a bruise.”

And oddly enough, her ‘if I could blush’ face is on full display again.

“So… you would’ve taken a punch, by a grown man, your ex… _for_ me?” she asks.

“I believe that’s what I was implying, yes.”

“Oh.”

“ _Oh_?”

“Yeah… oh.”

“Are you okay?” I ask slowly.

“Yeah,” she says awkwardly. “I just didn’t expect that I guess.”

“Are you ever going to believe that we were friends?” I ask, grabbing her clothes from the bed.

“I know we were friends, I guess I just didn’t know the extent.”

When I turn back to her, her arms are crossed and she’s looking at me like just realized I’m not evil.

“Do you remember anything about the friendship? Anything we did together or…” I trail off.

“I know that you hated me at one point, couldn’t trust me.” She runs a hand through her hair. “But everything else, even that situation, is too blurry to make out.”

“Blurry is one way of putting it,” I say with a pointed look. “I never _hated_ you. I was upset and hurt and… said a few things to Supergirl that I shouldn’t have, but I never hated you.”

“Why not?” she asks.

She literally just asked that so casually and that is not okay. She’s actually curious as to why I never hated her. Okay, after this, Alex is hitting her over the head with a bag of sand and kryptonite. We’re either restoring her memory or killing her, because her ever thinking that I should hate her is absurd.

“Because you’re my best friend and the only person on the planet that would also go to the ends of the galaxy for me.” I pause. “Well, before, I mean. You would’ve before the amnesia.”

Then, she squints at me.

Hard.

“If you’re x-raying me, so help me god-”

“I’m not! I just, it’s weird to think that. You’re _you_ ,” she says, gesturing to me with her hand.

“Thank you?”

“It’s not a bad thing, it’s just… a lot.”

I think I get where she’s coming from, but does she have to make it so weird?

“I have a question,” she says with her not blushing face again.

“Ask away.” By all means, I’m just glad she’s actively talking to me and she hasn’t torn me a new asshole yet.

“We didn’t ever like…” She makes a few odd gestures and settles on fidgeting with her fingers. “Date… or anything, right?”

Mother once threatened me that if she ever saw my mouth hang open in shock, she would knock the surprise right out of my mouth. We are composed even if our entire mind and the minds of the generations before us are blown simultaneously in the most epic proportions.

Mother would be so disappointed.

“Hey, so whatever the knife was carved with is-what on earth did I miss?”

I completely ignore both Kara _and_ Alex’s questions and see myself to the med-bay door.

“And why the hell is there a dent in the wall?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't like how this one turned out, but we can't win 'em all.
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts.
> 
> A.Y.P.
> 
> P.S. F*** James.


	7. You Distract Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I'm distracted without you.

The best thing about being a CEO is the fact that there will always be work to do. I could literally never even have time to take lunch, should I feel it necessary. I could also have such a light load that I could take a week’s vacation with no repercussions. Being the CEO means that there’s never enough work done, but I can always wait until tomorrow to do it.

This week, I have chosen to be so busy that I can’t possibly get to the DEO and follow up on that algorithm. I also can’t possibly be bothered to accidentally run into Kara.

I’m just so busy.

I mean, it’s not like my best friend(?) asked me if we had ever been romantically involved in the past right after she nearly beat my ex’s face in right after he almost punched me.

And it definitely didn’t startle me so much that I’ve been avoiding her because holy shit we obviously have that kind of chemistry, but I never thought we were going to admit that.

She just always seemed so… oblivious to it.

I knew the tension was there, but she never seemed to bite at it at all, I just assumed she was that special brand of straight that came with its own cluelessness. Seeing her in _that_ respect was nothing more than a fleeting thought at first. After we got close it’s just always been one of those things that would be nice if it happened, but I never gave it any real thought.

“Ms. Luthor?” Jess buzzes through the intercom.

“Yes, Jess?” I answer. Please be something to distract me from my sudden gay turmoil.

“You have a visitor.”

Ohhhh that is not what I meant by ‘distraction’.

“By all means, let them through.” Shit.

My door opens and a business man with a face that has no defining features steps in. He walks in, smirk on his punch-able face, and stops in front of my desk.

“Ms. Luthor, it’s a pleasure,” he says.

“Right, which one sent you?” I ask, returning to the blueprint I was pretending to work on.

“Excuse me?”

“Which one sent you?” I look up at him impatiently. “Lex or Lillian? It’s possible that you’re here on someone else’s behalf, but those odds are about 33%, so which one sent you?”

He looks positively puzzled and like I just knocked his dick in the dirt. It’s hard to surprise me, we all know that, but did this guy even try?

“Uh…” He schools his shock and smirks again, pulling a sidearm from his coat. “Lex Luthor sends his re-”

“ _Seriously?_ One, he really needs to come up with a new ‘I’m killing you’ message and two, it’s Tuesday,” I glare at his incredibly confused face. “It’s _Tuesday_ and I’ve already had a long week. My physical security team clearly needs an update, I got four hours of sleep last night, someone spilled a new compound in the lab this morning that ate through the floor, and your fucking gun still has the safety on.”

He jumps at that startling realization and fumbles with said gun, clicking the safety off. Oh my god, I don’t wanna be killed by an idiot.

“Lex Luthor sends his re-”

“The fact that you didn’t just accidentally shoot yourself in the face with all of that fumbling is incredibly disheartening. Seriously, where did he find you?”

“Bitch, Lex Luthor sends his re-”

“Do you think if you shot me from where you’re standing, three feet away, that you could hit me? I am very curious as to what your aim is like after all of this.”

“That’s it!”

“You found your intelligence?”

Yes, it _is_ just that simple. I’m kind of over assassination attempts right now. They’re just too obvious an unoriginal at this point, if you’re gonna try to kill me, make it something fantasy novel worthy.

The familiar _bang_ echoes throughout my office and just as I was raised, I never blinked. My line of vision to his eyes was abruptly cut off by a long, red, flowy cape. It’s silent for a moment longer than I expected, so I lean over slightly to see Supergirl’s hand covering the muzzle of his gun with a less than impressed look on her face.

“Ha! Supergirl, I knew you’d show up,” he says, stepping back from her.

I get up and come to stand next to Kara. I have to admit, even I’m curious as to what he thinks will happen next.

He reaches back into his coat for a moment, then another moment, then begins to panic and frantically search both sides.

“This is actually kind of painful,” she says watching him.

“Not as painful as his entire monologue before this. Took you long enough, by the way.” I shoot her a glare.

“His monologue was painful, but your back and forth was entertaining.”

“You were listening, and you let it play out that long?”

“What? You’re clever, I appreciate the wit.”

“He was going to shoot me.”

“Yes, but he didn’t.”

The hired assassin takes his coat completely off at this point and has his pants pockets turned out at as well.

“Well then, which part did you start listening to?” I ask.

“I heard all of it, I started listening because your heart jumped.”

“You were… already listening to my heart?”

“Uh…”

“I just had it a second ago!”

“Uh-yeah,” Kara abruptly turns her attention back to him. “You did, but she’s right, you really don’t have a clue of how to do this,” she says, ignoring my comment as I’m definitely not blushing.

She holds her hand up to reveal a small, I’m assuming lead-lined, box in her palm.

“You can’t just-”

“Can and did. So, what flavor is it? It can’t be green or you would’ve already had it out, it’s not red because you wouldn’t risk me killing you, it can’t be black for the same reason, so what’s your play?” she cuts him off.

He looks back and forth between us for a moment, nervously shifting from foot to foot.

“It’s… pink,” he says, his cheeks matching said color.

I’m drawing complete blanks, Kara however, is frozen and honest to god blushing. Not her normal not-blushing, I mean the real thing that she’s not typically supposed to do as an alien.

“And what exactly does that do?” I voice.

Kara is still frozen and useless, so I direct my attention to him.

“Well, the red kryptonite in her system is supposed to enhance the eventual effects of the pink.”

“Enhance what-wait, what do you mean red kryptonite?” I’m as still as Kara is now.

Is that what pink kryptonite is, a slow acting red kryptonite? I mean, it would make sense, pink is just a lighter shade of red. But then, why wait to pull it out after he shot? Why didn’t he already have it out? And why show us the stupid rock at all? For once, I am very confused on an intellectual level.

The only thing that stops me from kicking on my psychoanalysis of his character is Kara’s groan.

Not pained, but irritated.

“Okay, I get it now,” Kara deflates, opening her palm that originally held the gun muzzle.

There in her hand sits the bullet, bent and warped, but with a small sliver of a familiar red glow in it.

Oh.

“Are you saying…” I trail off.

“Yes,” she answers. “He actually had a solid plan, but I thought faster than he did by grabbing the box before stopping the bullet.”

“So, if that’s the red, what does the pink-”

I’m cut off by a dozen sweaty members of my security team bursting in with their guns drawn. Some of them startle at seeing Supergirl and one has the audacity to point his weapon her, before realizing his mistake and lowering it.

“Are you alright Ms. Luthor?” one of them asks.

“Yes, if you wouldn’t mind wrapping this gentleman up,” I say, pointing to the still blushing assassin. “Would you also care to explain what took you so long?”

“I can Ms. Luthor!” I hear Jess yell pushing her way through security. Oh thank god, she’s alright. “He made me hit the silent alarm, stalling all the elevators.”

Oh… that explains the time and sweating, those are a lot of stairs.

“I should probably look into a security override for that…” I say with an apologetic look.

“I waited 15 seconds before calling them, like we discussed, but the alarm can only be shut off by you,” she says, slightly embarrassed.

“You did nothing wrong, Jess,” I say, standing back as the assassin is hauled out of my office. “It’s an oversight on my part that I’ll have fixed by tonight. Go ahead and take the rest of the afternoon off.” I feel horrible about her having to deal with another one of my death threats.

“Ms. Luthor, with all due respect, if you’re staying, I’m staying,” she says with an adorably determined look. “It takes a lot more than that to scare me off.”

“Alright,” I say with a smile. She is definitely getting another bonus. “But take it easy take a break whenever and you’re free to go home with a full day’s worth of pay whenever you wish.”

She nods to me, then Supergirl, then swiftly exits my office, pulling the door closed behind her.

I glance over at Kara, who is looking a little surprised.

“So, pink kryptonite?” I ask.

Oh look, the real blush is back.

“Uh, you know, I really should get back to the DEO and have them remove the red K from my system,” she says, backing up towards my balcony.

“That amount is tiny, Kara. That and it usually takes 8 to 24 hours before it kicks in.”

“You can’t be too sure, Lena. Better safe than sorry.”

“You can’t avoid the question by leaving.”

“It worked for you, didn’t it?”

You giant… alien… stupid…

God, I wanna punch her.

“Ok, yes, you’ve got me there,” I grit out. “Tell you what, you stop by tonight and we’ll both answer each other’s questions. Sound fair?”

“Does that mean that my ban is lifted?” she teases, stepping onto my balcony.

“For now.” I smirk. “I’ll be home eight.”

“Noted. I’ll see you then, Ms. Luthor.”

This bitch has the actual audacity to _wink_ at me with her own eye and then take to the skies like some sort of cowboy leaving-

Nope. We’re not thinking about it.

I roll my eyes at her antics and return to my desk.

Back to business we go.

###

“Yes… yes, I understand that you need me to buy stock to save your company, but you refused to partner with me before-FUCKING JUDE LAW PRINCESS BRIDE.”

“ _Uh… what?_ ”

“I… I have to go, we’ll postpone this for tomorrow.”

“ _Ms. Luthor, I need an ans-_ ”

I hang up on the prick that suddenly needs my help and throw my phone onto my couch a little harder than necessary.

“I have a front door,” I say with a glare.

“You also have a balcony.”

“Normal people use the front door, _Kara_.”

“Yeah well, I’m an alien, _Lena_.”

  Ever the growing smartass.

“So,” I start, walking from the threshold of my bedroom to my kitchen for some much-needed wine. “What’s pink kryptonite?”

“Woah, woah, woah, I believe I asked my question first, a week ago,” she says, coming to rest on the counter next to me.

Scratch the wine, I need scotch.

“Right… your question,” I say, putting the corkscrew down and opening the liquor cabinet.

“Yes, and I have a feeling I already know the answer because of the avoidance,” she says, watching me pull down the bottle.

“Doubtful,” I say as I pour myself an extra finger. “We’ve never dated.”

“We didn’t?” Her eyebrows shoot up.

“Disappointed?”

“Surprised. People don’t typically avoid that question like the plague if the answer is no,” she says.

“It just caught me off guard.” I take a large gulp of the overpriced scotch.

“I can hear you lying.”

“You wanna hear me breaking this bottle on your face?”

“ _Fine_ , I won’t ask why.” She smirks at me.

I ignore her and proceed past the living room and onto my balcony. The sunset is lovely tonight and it gives me something else to stare at other than her.

“So, pink kryptonite?” I ask as she walks up behind me to lean on the railing.

“Right…”

“I can hear you blushing.”

“You wanna hear me throw you off this balcony?”

“Just tell me, we had a deal after all,” I laugh.

“I know.” She hesitates and I look over at her. “Pink kryptonite… it… makes a Kryptonian gay.”

What.

Even.

“That can happen?” I exclaim.

“Yeah, it’s relatively harmless. It turns any Kryptonian that’s straight, or any other sexuality, completely gay and it does nothing to those that are already gay, just solidifies it I guess,” she explains. “I would have to come into physical contact with it in order for it to work, but it glows pretty brightly, which explains why the guy didn’t have it out.”

“You cheeky devil,” I whisper to myself. “Smart and conniving as ever.”

“Uh… what?” Kara asks.

No point in hiding it now. It’s only a matter of time anyway.

“The pink kryptonite wasn’t for you as much as it was for me.” I drain the rest of my glass. “Lex wasn’t trying to kill me, he was trying to taunt me.”

“How so?” She shuffles towards me minutely.

“You remember that fight with James?” I ask and she nods. “He said something about cheating not being a new concept to me.”

“I… wasn’t gonna ask about it. It’s your business, not mine.” She shrugs.

“It’s not entirely what it sounds like,” I say, catching her eyes with mine. “I was dating the son of a LuthorCorp shareholder when I was 15, per my mother’s… ‘request’. Long story short, he had a sister that was infinitely more my type.”

“Oh…” she says when the realization hits her.

“Yeah,” I sigh. “She was two years older and something about the way she wanted me was different than anything I had experienced in the past with men. One night things… progressed with her and I felt a crushing amount of guilt over it. I broke up with him the next day. Lex comforted me when I sobbed, and mother never forgave me. I _hated_ myself for years for hurting the girl’s brother, but hated myself for a decade for abandoning her with no explanation.” 

I’m started by the most atrocious sound of metal being crushed.

I look down at Kara’s hands to see that yes, she indeed just crushed part of my railing in her hands. My eyes trail from there to her face, where the normal Kara would’ve been sheepish, this Kara is angry. Not ‘shooting lasers out of my face’ angry, but I think that’s only because she’s trying to remain calm for me. Well, as calm as you can be while turning solid steel into a balloon animal.

“Should I be more angry at James for saying what he said to hurt you, or at Lex for throwing it back in your face?” she seethes.

“Well, seeing as Lex paired it with red K, I would say him,” I answer.

Then Kara jumps back with a panicked look, startling me yet again.

“Oh my god.” She runs a hand through her hair. “He wanted an angry, gay super. An angry, gay super-he wanted me to hurt you.” She takes a step away from me.

“I believe that was the obvious point...” I set my empty glass on the not twisted part of my railing.

“No, you don’t get it,” she says, running her hands over her face. “Lena, you are incredibly gorgeous.”

“Uh… thank you?” Now is so not the time to blush, but I guess we’re doing that anyway.

“Yes… and an angry, gay Supergirl with a gorgeous woman that she doesn’t remember the good stuff about… what if he wanted me to…” She shies away from me.

Oh.

_Oh._

Oh _god_.

“No.” I step right up close to her. “We are _not_ entertaining that thought for even a second. No matter how fucked up you get on any of the flavors of kryptonite, you would _never_ and I _know_ that.” 

Kara stares at me hard for a moment before her entire body relaxes and she deflated with a huge breath out.

“I have never been so happy to hear you tell the truth,” she whines.

“What does that even mean?”

“It means,” she says, straitening up. “That you know I would never do that. Ever.”

“Were you worried I thought you would?” I ask, the urge to throw myself off the balcony prominent as ever. Seriously, this woman can’t decide if she wants to think the worst of me or wants me to be who I’ve been trying to remind her of.

“Kind of, yeah. I don’t really know you any differently…” she trails off.

Right.

“You know, it doesn’t have to be like that.”

“I’m not letting Alex hit me over the head with something heavy and filled with kryptonite.”

“That’s not what I meant,” I say with a laugh. “Just because you may not remember how you used to know me doesn’t mean you can’t _get_ to know me.”

“Oh…” she trails off. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Is there a reason it wouldn’t be?”

“I mean, there’s James.”

“If that’s the best you can offer, you are really reaching,” I say.

She looks mildly uncomfortable. I mean, she’s been shifting around since she told me what pink kryptonite did, but this looks like a special brand of uncomfortable. Things seemed to be getting better, but maybe I’m jumping the gun. She stood up for me, but she’s still the same woman that fell out of the sky with a vendetta against anything Luthor. And I still hate that. I desperately want her back, but not like this. It’s clear we can’t really be anything as long as she’s like this.

Maybe it’s time I accept that.

“I just don’t think that it’s a good idea. I mean, we all work together, and it could cause problems,” she says.

“Kara, you can just say no. You don’t need an excuse to stay away from me.”

She pauses, looking at me as if I startled her.

“It’s not an excuse. Lena, we’re not fr-”

“Friends, I’m aware,” I cut her off. “You’ve made that clear.”

She takes a step towards me.

“It’s nothing personal.”

What a joke.

“Kara, all you’ve done since you got out of that crater is make sure that I end up alone.” I look at her dead in the eyes. “I didn’t see it until just now, and I know that makes me a fool, but I wanted to believe there was still a part of you that cared about me. I’m already a Luthor, James is gone, the DEO thinks just like the rest of the world does about me, and your sister only talks to me because you don’t talk to her. I presume now that you know that you’ll start talking to her again and keep her away from me as well.”

“Lena, it’s not like that,” she says, holding a hand out to touch me.

I take a step back and avoid it.

“It is. I’ve seen this before. I saw it when Superman did it to Lex and here you are… doing the same to me.” I try to ignore the look on her face, the one that tells me I could be wrong. “I don’t know what you think I did to you to deserve this, but I’m asking you to stop. You have made your point, send whoever you want to surveil me until I die or snap, but just stop this. Stop the hot and cold, and just go.”

I turn away from her and start walking back into my living room, content that she’ll take to the skies when she’s ready.

“I never wanted this,” she calls after me.

“Wanted what?” I stop walking but I don’t turn around.

“Any of this. Everything is wrong. Since when is James the bad guy?” She steps into my living room behind me and I hear her start pacing. “Why is Winn suddenly important, leaving everything behind? Why is Alex J’onn’s boss but pretending she’s not, and since when are you …”

“What? Not evil?” I turn to face her for this retort.

“That’s the problem,” she gestures wildly. “I don’t even know how explain what you are. Everything is wrong and I can’t figure out why.”

“Kara,” I walk up to her. “You fell headfirst into the ground from the sky, it’s probably going to take some time to remember.”

“I don’t _want_ to remember, I want things to be the way they’re supposed to.”

Ouch.

“Wow,” I laugh. “So, you _want_ me to be a horrible person.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she says, stepping close to me.

“Then what exactly did you mean? Everything is wrong, right? So, what exactly is it that’s so wrong about me?” I challenge.

“That’s the other problem!” she says, nearly cutting me off. “I’m not even sure it’s completely you. It’s more than likely that something’s wrong with me too.”

“Oh my fuck, Kara, we literally just went over this. You had a severe head trauma, of course there’s something wrong with you!” I take one out of her book and start pacing.

“It’s worse than that!”

“I can’t imagine it’s any more insufferable then the way you’re acting right now.”

“It is!”

“Based on all that experience you’ve gathered by being an asshole the past month? Or maybe based on all the time you’ve spent avoiding the people who care about you,” I seethe. “Oh, I know, it’s based on the fact that-”

And then, for the umpteenth time since she lost part of her world, she dents mine.

“I wanna kiss you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've actually got something important to say.
> 
> Apparently it's upsetting when I write James the way the Supergirl writer's are absolutely trashing him. To be clear, I LIKED James, a lot. I adored his character, and then they destroyed him and turned him into everything the show claims they're "fighting". He was respectable, a genuinely good man, and now he is a manipulative piece of sh**. The way he is written here is not a huge stretch from what they're doing to him on the show. 
> 
> That, and I need a known antagonist, otherwise this wouldn't be a story.
> 
> So anyway, for those identifying and empathizing with his bad behavior, here and on the show, I'm not sorry you're offended.
> 
> A.Y.P.


	8. I'm Trying To keep My Cool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While you're playing with my fucking heart.

“You wan-hwa?”

I have never, for even a second, had a moment where my brain just stopped. I mean, everything just stopped. All 900 of my internal processes, my ability to move or formulate responses, even my ability to breathe, have never had a moment of just _nothing_.

I even froze mid step.

She slowly walks over to me and stops where I would’ve continued pacing.

“Can you really stand there and tell me that that’s normal?” she asks.

“Uh…” Or I could just come off as a complete moron.

“Of all the things that have ever happened, _this_ is what stumps you.”

“Uh…”

“Lena,” she snaps.

“Uh-I think… that you hit your head a lot harder… than we thought,” I manage to get out.

Maybe I hit _my_ head. That has to be it, she never actually stopped James’ punch last week and he knocked me unconscious. That’s definitely what happened.

It’d _better_ be what happened.

“I don’t think you’ve ever short circuited before, should I be flattered I’m the first to see it?”

Okay Lena, no big deal, your amnesiac best friend just admitted she wants to kiss you, that could mean anything!

“Where?” I ask.

“…where did you short circuit?” she asks, confused.

“Where did you wanna kiss me?” I ask. “Not as in the location were standing in, I mean like, the forehead?”

“Is that the only place you’ve ever been kissed, because that would explain a lot.”

“So then the forehead?”

“Are you serious?”

“Humor me!”

“Who the hell means the forehead when they say they wanna kiss you?

“Plenty of people!”

“Maybe in the sixth grade.”

“Kara!”

“On the mouth!” she finally blasts.

Sadly, hearing that did not make me feel any better.

“Okay, maybe the pink kryptonite did effect you. We should get you to the D.E.O.” I spin on my heel to grab my purse, when Kara’s hand on my arm not only stops me, but spins me back around to face her.

“Lena, it didn’t affect me,” she says slowly. “And even if it did, it would just mean that I was solely attracted to women, not that I would suddenly wanna kiss you.”

I cringe.

“Can you not keep saying that?” I am suddenly very hot and this flannel I’m wearing is not helping.

“Just because I don’t say it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. We’ve covered this,” she says with the most amused smile I’ve ever seen.

“I’m aware! But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to hear it.” Her hand is shrugged from my arm when I rip off the offending flannel.

“You also can’t blush it away.”

This results in me rifling said flannel at her face.

“I have porcelain skin and it’s like a million degrees in here, I’m going to flush and get pink.”

“Sure,” she says, pulling my flannel off her head. “Is this mine too?”

“Does that change anything?” I snap.

“Okay, first, you need to calm down,” she snaps right back.

“Don’t tell me to-”

“I can and I’ll continue to do so until you calm down.” She levels me with a stern look.

She’s right, and I hate her for it.

“Fine, I’m calm,” I say through gritted teeth. “Why are you?”

“I didn’t realize I was supposed to freak out.”

“You would normally be a sputtering, blushing mess at the least.”

“Me? Lena, you’ve been that way for the past month, I was actually kind of confused,” she says, tossing my/her flannel on my couch.

“I have _not_ -wait, is that why you asked me if we had dated?”

“Well yeah, I figured that’s why you were always blushing and so… relentless.”

Why is this happening. Of all things, _this_ had to happen. I would have even taken another assassination attempt over this.

“Kara, again, I’m porcelain, I flush when I have any emotion ever. And you should already know why I’m so ‘relentless’, seeing as I was just trying to get the most important person in my life to remember me,” I exasperate.

She pauses then, whatever rebuttal she had dying on her lips.

Part of me is still so freaked out, she’s right, everything is wrong. Kara should not be feeling this way towards me, and even if she had before the head injury, _that’s_ the Kara I would be more understanding of. She doesn’t get to flip from the villain to the hero on me in a month, not after what she said.

No matter how right she may have been in some subjects.

“I’m not going to apologize,” she says.

“For wanting to kiss me?” I ask.

“For that… and for the past month. I’m not going to apologize for something I’m not sorry about.”

“There it is,” I laugh.

“There what is?” Eyebrow crinkle.

“Every reason I need to know that this is bullshit. You’re doing it again, not five minutes after I asked you not to,” I sneer.

“Which is?” she asks.

“Playing with me to sooth whatever ache you have where all the memories are supposed to be,” I say, shooting her a look to stay silent after her mouth opened. “You are cruel. I get that I’m great with mind games but you can beat the hell outta someone’s heart just as effortlessly.

“Lena-”

“When I’m done, you can talk. So, what is it? String me along by saying you wanna kiss me so that I stay just within reach in case you need to snap my neck? Of course you’re not sorry, god’s don’t apologize.” I turn from her and walk to my couch, snatching my flannel back off of it.

“Lena,”

“You wanna know what else we’ve already been over multiple times? You leaving,” I say as I shove my arms through the sleeves.

“You invited me here.” She walks up behind me.

“Because I keep thinking that you’re worth something to me!” I snap, spinning to face her. “I keep telling myself that you’re not like everyone else and that you sure as hell aren’t your Superprick cousin. But you, who you are right now, you are a drone. You are his carbon copy doing your best to make sure you create the next Lex Luthor.”

“Stop.” She glares at me.

“You’re just another unexceptional hero like every other person who can save a kitten out of a tree. So go, fly away, go back to your desk job and every other aspect of yourself that’s nothing but a lie built on the fantasy that you’re the hero in everyone’s story-”

“Stop!”

“When you are the villain in mine!”

I have two clocks in my living room. One is a minute ahead, one is a minute behind. It used to bother me, the perfectionist in me would have both clocks face-down, a hand on each, while I watched the clock on my cellphone count down. I would flip them simultaneously, with the utmost precision, and they would be perfect….

For about six minutes.

Somehow, one would always end up one minute behind and the other would be one minute ahead. It took me dozens of moments like that, both clocks face down while staring at another in anticipation, before I realized the problem. I used to berate myself over it, how could I be so useless that I couldn’t even set the clocks right?

But it wasn’t me, it was the clocks.

They were made wrong, off by milliseconds, one being too fast, the other being too slow. It took six minutes for them to fall out of line with each other and I would hear the horrid noise of out of sync seconds.

Tick-Tick, tock-tock.

It drove me mad. These clocks, faulty circuitry and plastic, were keeping me in a suspended state of never being in the right time. I was always just in between the past and the future, but never in the present, never right.

Long story short, I smashed them both one night. Scotch and a step latter don’t go together very well, unless your me, I guess. I ripped them both from the walls and threw them against the tile.

They didn’t break.

So, I did it again. That time they broke, but it wasn’t enough for me. I kept picking them up and slamming them against the floor until all that was left was faulty wiring and plastic. I was empowered at that moment. Lena Luthor, destroyer of time.

I trashed the mangled mess and upgraded to digital.

And then I trashed those too.

It was too perfect. I was present, in time, I was right.

And I _hated_ it.

First thing in the morning, I went and bought two more clocks. I sat with both hands steadied over their backs, watching my phone as my heart beat drowned out any other noise. When the minute switched over, so did my hands, and it was perfect. I hung them both immediately and watched them for six minutes to be sure. They were perfect. They still _are_ perfect.

Sometimes two things are just broken and it’s no one’s fault as to why. They can’t ever stay in time with each other, no matter how they’re programmed. They were just never meant to be together.

“You’re wrong.” She pauses, gauging my reaction. “You can look at me as the villain in your story if that’s what warms your bed at night, but I haven’t said one thing you didn’t already know. At one point Lena, you’re going to have to shoulder some of the weight, some of the responsibility.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I ask, getting into her personal space, inches away from her face.

“You act like you had nothing to do with any of the bad things that’ve happened to you, that you just keep getting the short end of the stick. You chose to date James, knowing it wouldn’t end well. You shut down Supergirl, knowing it was me.” She drops to just above a whisper. “I’m your villain because it’s easier to blame me than yourself.”

“Get out.”

“No.” Unblinking, unmoving.

“If you don’t leave now, I will force you.” My vision is blurred from the tears she always seems to bring out of me.

“I don’t wanna kiss you because I think your pretty. I don’t’ wanna kiss you because you’re a genius. A pink, glowing rock has never had anything to do with it,” she says, ignoring my very real threat. “I wanna kiss you because you are the only person on this planet that has the ability to be better. You’ve listened to everything I’ve said, no matter how harsh, and you changed. You’re…”

She hesitates, badly. Like her own tongue is threatening to choke her if she lets any more out.

“What? I’m less evil than you expected?” I say, calculating how long it will take for me to get a glowing green rock out of my bedroom and force her to leave.

“You’re nothing like I thought you were… and a lot of me hates that. A lot of me doesn’t understand that.”

I know she can hear my heartbeat. She knows I have something up my sleeve, and judging by me angling my body towards my bedroom, she knows I have the means to make good on my threat. What I don’t get:

Why is she gonna let me?

“Well, a lot of me doesn’t understand how my best friend could be so heartless either. And as if I would _ever_ allow your mouth near mine after all of this.” I cross my arms and lift my chin.

“I never thought it was an option. I know you hate me, Lena, but if I have to be the villain to do the right thing, then I will. Every time.”

I hate the way she’s looking at me. There’s so much… care in her eyes and in the way that she’s speaking. Why now, why when she’s destroyed everything our friendship was built upon?

“Among all the things I’m sure your proud of being right about, James was one of them. You were right, he didn’t deserve me,” I say, the corners of her lips quirk up like she’s proud of me. “But neither do you.”

Much to my disdain, her smile actually gets bigger and… prouder.

“I know.”

Why? All you’ve done is put me in the ground and spit on the spot where you did it, and now you pull this shit on me you giant, alien-

“Why are you doing this?” I voice my thought. “Why now? Why haven’t you ever told me how you felt before? Kara, I didn’t even know you liked women.”

“Lena,” she laughs. “I’m attracted to whoever I’m attracted to, it doesn’t matter what’s attached to them. Has my track record shown that I prefer men? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that this is impossible. It was never important on my planet and I found no reason to mention it so long as I was dating men.”

“You have to realize how absurd this is right?” Please do. “Just because you suddenly like me doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole that I’m still going to make leave.”

“Okay, firstly, I said I wanna kiss you, not date you. Secondly,” she starts, looking over towards my room. “Do you wanna just go grab it now?”

She has a gentle smile on her face that I want to punch off.

“Okay, firstly, what does that even mean? Secondly, you should be angry that I have what I have. I don’t know why now you decide to be calm when you shouldn’t be,” I say.

“Okay, firstly-”

“Enough with that!”

“Fine,” she laughs. “Kissing you doesn’t mean that I _like_ you. Sometimes it just means that I wanna kiss y-stop cringing, Jesus, what are you, seven? And as far as the other thing goes, it would be stupid of me not to guess you had some sort of contingency plan in case something went wrong.”

“Oh my god.”

“What?”

“Stop being so logical!” I blast, looking away. “I’m supposed to be weirded out and angry with you and so far, I am only one so those things. So just… go back to being an asshole.”

“Lena,” She ducks into my vision. “I never wanted you to be alone.”

“This is a horrid display of trying to be an asshole.” I wanna cry more than anything, she’s being that obnoxious sweet after the sour, but I am so tired of crying over her.

“I’m not trying to be anything other than honest. I’m not trying to make you the next Lex Luthor, and I will _never_ be Superman. But I’m never going to apologize for the truth,” she says. “And I’m actually kind of _glad_ that Alex has you… so, I wouldn’t try to keep her away from you.”

“Why have you been shutting her out?”

If I don’t learn how to harness the power of ‘thought staying out of mouth’, I am actually going to punch myself in the neck. Judging by her expression, she’s caught even more off guard at my comment than I am.

And then she deflates like her best kept secret is also her best kept irritation.

“Okay, to continue the sharing, honest mood…” she pauses again, breaking eye contact for a moment to shake her head at whatever just passed through it. “I haven’t been completely upfront about what I don’t remember.”

“Before you continue.” I stop her. “Am I going to need copious amounts of alcohol?”

“Depends,” She starts. “Does not knowing Alex the entire last year count as alcohol worthy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This did not go how I wanted it to, but it will do. I keep feeling like I'm just missing a key element of their chemistry by a hair. Hm.
> 
> Fun Fact: This chapter through chapter 11 are already written. The problem: picking the titles for these chapters are oddly harder than writing the chapters themselves.
> 
> This is a first for me.
> 
> On top of that I was graduating from college, having a quarter-life crises, escaping from an awful person, and falling into the arms of a better person all in one go. Fun.
> 
> I will try to be more frequent, but we've all heard me say that before (I'm sorry).
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts.
> 
> A.Y.P.


	9. I've Got A Heart On The Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it wants to break.

“What do you mean you don’t remember Alex the past entire year?”

I should’ve just operated on the hunch that I would need copious amounts of alcohol, because after that, I should be four shots deep.

This is bad.

“Exactly what I just said,” she says slowly.

“Explain!”

“Will you keep your voice down? I don’t want the entire building knowing that.” She runs a hand through her hair.

“I own the building!” I yell, turning around and stomping over to my liquor cabinet.

“Oh… that’s… neat. Uh, why exactly are you yelling at me?” she asks.

“Because!” I take a deep breath and start again at a lower volume. “Because, you shouldn’t have kept this from us. Do you have any idea what you’re doing to her? Really, could you be any more of an idiot? She’s hurting because she thinks you hate her.”

“I don’t know her!”

The glass bottle of whatever flammable, liquid courage that was just pulled out of the cabinet slips out of my hands faster than I can process. Thankfully, not faster than _she_ can process.

Her hand shoots out and catches the bottle before I can even blink. She doesn’t meet my eyes as she holds it out to me.

“Kara, she’s your sister,” I say, taking the bottle from her and forgoing a glass.

“She’s a stranger.” She looks back up at me. “Lena, I have no idea who she even is now. I don’t know what happened in the past year, but whatever it did to her, she is not who I remember.”

“That’s why you won’t talk to her.”

My throat is on fire by whatever the hell I just put in my body that I definitely didn’t buy in the U.S. of A, but it’s nothing compared to the smolder in her eyes. It’s easier to distance herself from someone she doesn’t know, easier to let Alex think she hates her, than to tell her the truth. God my throat burns.

“Are you gonna slow down on that?” Kara points at the bottle currently against my lips and tilted almost vertical.

Oh… well, that’s explains one thing.

The coughing and hacking I experienced when I put the bottle down also explained a lot to Kara.

“I was-” More coughing and hacking. “Distracted.”

“Clearly, I just don’t wanna have to tuck you in should you drink yourself to an early bedtime.” She smirks.

“Please, as if you would hate to see me in what I wear, or don’t wear, to sleep.” She’s not-blushing, oh god, what is happening. “Criminy, that stuff is strong.” I glare at the bottle.

“Agreed, seeing as you just said ‘criminy’ un-ironically.”

“Shut up.” I shoot her the same glare I shot the bottle. “What else larger than necessary memories are you missing?”

“The last year is the worst, I don’t know what went on here for almost all of it. Alex has caught on to some of it when I called J’onn ‘director’ which he’s apparently not now. They’ve been pretending that he’s the director since then though, they think I have no idea.” She shrugs with the end of her statement.

Alex did mention she thought Kara was getting suspicious a few weeks back when we got coffee. I thought they were hiding it well, but then again, what doesn’t Kara know?

“So, I take it you’ve unintentionally met Brainy as well?” I ask.

“Uh…” she pauses, not-blushing. “I mean… I can kind of remember him.”

“Oh my god,” I say with a huge smile. “You still think he’s cute, just like you did before you lost your memory.”

“We’re not talking about this,” she says, crossing her arms.

“Riiiiight, that’s fine.” I hold my hands up in surrender. “After all, he’s not the one you wanna be kissing.” And the look on her face to accompany my words makes _me_ blush. “I’m drunk.”

“Yeah, you are,” she laughs.

I stare at her for a moment, her mirroring me.

It makes sense, why she’s been so distant. I figured it was because of me, not knowing who I was but knowing the fallout, but it wasn’t. There’s also likely some point in her memory where none of us exist, probably within the last four months or so, where we’re all just strangers. She’s right, a lot _has_ happened in the past year, too much to easily explain why we’re the way we are now. Most of who we are now was made up of the past year, and she’s missing most of it.

I would probably distance myself too.

And I would be questioning why two months ago that monstrosity of an alien only took the past 2 years from her. What about those 2 years did it not want her to remember?

“I’m still mad at you,” I say, covering my thoughts.

“I know, I’m still not sorry,” she parries.

“You know I can’t be okay with that.” Never again. “I didn’t come this far to let someone like you treat me like this.”

“I know.” She nods. “And I won’t come back, not unless you ask me to.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow before you head out to search that warehouse, Alex wants me monitoring the radiation.” I say, a small smile creeping its way onto my face. “Fly safe, Supergirl.”

She returns a small smile before heading out to my balcony. I hear the familiar swoosh of her taking off and smile to myself.

I miss who she used to be. I could read her like a book, she wore her heart on her face. Now I only know what she tells me, and even then, I have no idea how to decipher it. She’s kind of horrible, but also really sweet, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about that. The more I think about it the more I worry that in those fundamental last two years, something happened to keep her sweet and sunny. She had come sort of make or break experience that made her what she was. Whatever that alien wanted her to forget, I think it worked. The moment that should’ve ‘made’ her, was erased, and now we’re left with… whatever she is now. And I hate it. I want her back.

I _need_ her back.

###

“Are you _sure_ he’s not going to try anything?”

“I strapped a bodycam to him and told him I also had a Taser built into the lining of his suit, so that if we see anything we don’t like, it’s lights out for the tin-man.”

“You are conniving, and I love it.”

“Agent Danvers, as director you shouldn’t condone conniving behavior in the workplace.” I can practically taste my own satire.

“Ms. Luthor, I will condone the most vile of things you could cook up in that brilliant mind of yours if it meant keeping him in line.” Alex smirks behind her coffee cup.

As much as I’m enjoying our banter, we’re going to have to keep the coms on soon. James, J’onn, Kara, and a handful of D.E.O. agents that are well behind them are about to be boots and cans on the ground. There’s a warehouse that’s been giving us more mixed signals than Kara. We keep receiving this awkward pulse of radiation coming from it. One day it’s moderately high, then the next it’s barely there at all. It has trace kryptonite signatures as well, but even that’s fluctuating.

Kara insisted that she had to be there, despite the obvious threat, so we tracked the fluctuating pattern and managed to snag a low signature today. If she gets punched in the face with a kryptonite fist though, I will not feel sorry for her. Maybe it’ll finally knock her memories back into her.

“Agent Olsen, we’ll be monitoring most of the findings through your bodycam, so try to keep it unblocked,” Alex says almost sickeningly sweet.

There was no reply from him, at least not officially, but we both heard the defeated sigh. Alex still doesn’t know about the night he was aiming to use my face as his sparring partner, but I’m more than alright with that. Seeing how hostile she is just after what he tried with Kara is scary enough. She might actually murder him if she knew.

“Alright Supergirl, be smart about this,” Alex says, watching the screens at the main console with Brainy and I.

“ _Do I have to?_ ” Comes her answer.

“ _Yes, and your grip is a little weak_ ,” James tells her nervously.

Kara ended up having to carry him to the warehouse and needless to say, he was not happy about it. She actually volunteered to carry him, and the killer look she gave him when he tried to protest shut him up real quick. I almost feel bad for him, I’m 90% sure she’s carrying him with one finger hooked under his collar, just _daring_ him to give her a reason drop him.

“ _My grip; is **exactly** how it’s supposed to be,”_ she says with what I’m sure is a fake smile.

“I am living for this,” Alex whispers.

“I think I’ve actually gained years back on my life,” I whisper back.

“I don’t think it’s possible to-”

“ _Alex, are you seeing this?_ ” Kara cuts Brainy off.

Up on the main screen a large warehouse roof can be seen with what looks like an odd translucent film over it.

“Supergirl, tilt James down, we’re only getting the roof,” Alex says.

After an awkward, manly screech we get the full view of the warehouse and see that the entire building has the translucent film on it.

“What is that film over it? A shield maybe?” I ask.

“Sort of,” Brainy starts. “It’s shifting with the wind, shields don’t typically flex like that, so I think it’s a membrane of sorts.”

“ _Yeah, it looks almost vacuum sealed in some spots,_ ” Kara says.

“Well, that is definitely not a human invention. I don’t even see the point of it, what does it do?” I ask Brainy as he searches through the vault of knowledge in his head.

“It’s definitely a membrane, uh…” Brainy freezes for a moment, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

“Right, so it’s a membrane, meaning it’s alive. You look paler than usual,” I comment.

“ _We’re boots on the ground,_ ” J’onn says.

Alex and I stare at Brainy as he calculates something in his head, still slightly uncomfortable.

“Yeah, hold your position,” Alex says to the group as she taps Brainy on the shoulder. “Are you gonna share with the class?”

“Well…” he starts. “I think it’s an alien amniotic membrane.”

“Amniotic… membrane,” I repeat.

A long silence is drawn out between all of us. I’m really hoping he doesn’t mean what I think he means. I am terrified that he’s telling us that-

“Are you saying they’re about to walk into a warehouse sized alien uterus?” Alex blurts out.

Another beat of silence.

“ _I am not going in there,_ ” James says.

“ _You’re not going to lose your fragile man card for walking in, James. You were already in a uterus at one point… although maybe you could’ve used some more time in there._ ”

“Kara, not the time,” I cut in to stop whatever fight they were about to have.

“For lack of a better term… yes,” Brainy says.

“Is there anything in it?” Please don’t tell me we just sent three super agents to a giant fetus.

“ _I can’t read anything in it, but not because there **isn’t** anything in it. The membrane itself is alive with no mind attached, so it’s blocking whatever’s inside,_” J’onn speaks up.

“That… is kind of brilliant in an odd way, but it didn’t stop the radiation we were picking up,” I say as the group approaches the front door.

“Whoa, stop moving,” Alex says dropping her attention to the smaller screen in front of us.

I follow her gaze and note that the radioactive sensors on Kara are higher than James’ but lower than J’onn’s. I look back up at the main screen to see Kara in front of James, and J’onn in front of her.

“Oh…” I think out loud.

“Yeah, I see it too,” Alex says.

“ _Mind cluing the rest of us in on what you’re all seeing?_ ” James asks.

“Whatever’s inside the membrane isn’t radioactive, the membrane _itself_ is radioactive,” I answer.

“So, it’s basically a mildly radioactive uterus, and when said uterus has cramps, the radiation surges.” Alex is smiling while she says all of this, probably because we can see James cringing by the way his bodycam shakes.

“ _Great, so whatever bun it’s baking is probably going kill us,_ ” he says.

“ _Only one way to find out,_ ” Kara says as she sidesteps J’onn and reaches for the door.

My, “We don’t know what it’ll do to you!” mixed with Alex’s, “Are you stupid?” rings out as Kara reached through the membrane and yanks open the door slightly.

There’s a small tear in the membrane where Kara reached through and after that it just sort of…pops. It almost looks like popping a bubble that leaves a few gelatinous blobs of… I don’t know, ectoplasm(?), in a few spots. We are so testing that compound later.

“Well, she’s not dead, but when she gets back, I may just kill her,” Alex says, loud enough for Kara to hear her.

“What if she had absorbed it? We did see the kryptonite signature there at one point, it could’ve severely weakened her,” I say to Alex.

“ _Uh… guys?”_ James says, stopping our banter.

Alex and I look back up at the main screen to find Kara completely frozen in place. James’ bodycam is only showing us her back, but we can clearly see her hands trembling.

“ _Supergirl?_ ” J’onn asks stepping up next to her.

He peaks inside the warehouse, before pulling the door open wider. James steps forward and from staring at the feed on his bodycam, my blood runs cold.

A giant, green, three jawed alien sits in the center of the bare warehouse.

“Is that…” Alex starts.

My chest feels constricted, like being in its claws all over again, tightening around my rib cage and restricting my ability to breathe. I swear the lights in the D.E.O. dim and fade into a deep red, the cracking of trees sound off where pillars of concrete are supposed to be.

And there’s Supergirl, in the middle of it all, turning from me to face the creature and ‘send that thing back where it came from’.

“Lena!” Alex’s voice in my ears, hands on my shoulders, and face in mine snaps me out of it. “I need you to be here, with me, you can have a mental breakdown when they’re safe.”

“Okay,” I breathe.

(When did I get so winded?)

Kara is still trembling, J’onn trying and failing to pull her eyes away. Her fists clench and she tugs on her cape a few times. Kara doesn’t have anxious ticks in battle. If she’s off duty, her glasses are almost constantly being adjusted, but in the suit, she has never once fidgeted like that.

And I think I’m the only one that knows why.

That claw mark on her back is plenty reason.

The creature’s eyes were closed at first, but it seems to be wide awake now. I’m not sure when its eyes opened, but it wasn’t as jarring as I thought it would be. Black, bulging ovals on either side of its head and just as ugly as I remembered. It starts to stand, slowly, as if it’s in no rush after being found.

As if it expected them.

Supergirl’s fists seem to ball and tighten when it reaches its full height, maybe 12 or 13 feet. It would be impossible to tell where its eyes were focused, but we can all feel that it’s staring at her. It _wants_ her.

And I say no.

Not again.

I will not let this… this _monster_ take more of her away from us.

“Okay…” Alex says. “Change of plans-”

“Don’t let it leave alive,” I cut her off.

Brainy and Alex both gawk at me like I’ve gone crazy.

“That’s unwise, we need to bring it in for-”

“Supergirl,” I cut Brainy off. “ _Don’t_ let it leave alive.”

“ _Lena, that is **not** your call to make,_” James says through the com.

“Shut up, James.” I snap.

“No,” Ales grabs my shoulder and spins me to face her. “He’s right, you are not calling the shots here, we bring it in alive.”

I glance up at the screen, alien still waiting for them to make the first move, Kara’s fists still trembling, her cape now clenched between one fist. I grab Alex’s arm and pull her off to the side of the main console. I tear my com out of my ear and level her with a glare.

“Alex, I need you to trust me,” I say, quiet but stern.

“I get it, you and Kara have a lot of pent up pain and anger towards this thing, but we can’t let that get in the way of whatever we could get out of it once it’s captured,” she argues, just as quiet, but just as stern.

“Look at her,” I snap.

Alex reluctantly follows my order and the longer she looks at her little sister’s trembling, the more the fire in her eyes as director burns out, and the fire for protective big sister roars.

“I can pull her out, J’onn and James can handle it,” she says.

“That won’t work. That _thing_ will shred them, it has to be her, but it can’t play out the way you want it to,” I explain before she gives me a hesitant look. “Alex, you are the only person on this planet that loves her more than I do, I will **not** fail her. Let me have this.”

Alex hesitates more, Kara trembles more, the alien waits more, the entire D.E.O. hangs on baited breath.

“What do you need?” she whispers.

Thank whatever force is out there watching over Kara.

“A mobile feed and a private line.”

Alex immediately walks away, hopefully in search of that I asked for. I can faintly hear James asking why we’ve stalled and J’onn fuss over Kara on the com in my hand. If I fuck this up, I will only have enough time to completely hate myself before Alex murders me.

“Don’t make me regret this,” Alex says, handing me a tablet and another com. “I told her to switch over to the secure line, go wherever you have to for privacy, but don’t take too long. That thing is waiting for her to blink.”

“Thank you,” I say to her before walking off in search of the ‘not interrogation’ room. I hear Alex order J’onn and James to fall back, and then order them again when they protest as I get into the room.

I pull up the tablet and see J’onn strapping James’ bodycam to Kara. When I shove the com into my ear, I hear him tell her to stay safe before he picks up James and takes off. Okay Lena, time to do what you do best.

“Kara?” I wait for a moment. “Kara, it’s just us.” And we are both staring down the monster that nearly took her from us when it couldn’t take me, just like the first time we saw it.

“ _I…_ ” she hesitates. “ _I can’t beat it._ ”

She sounds defeated.

“Yes you can, and you’re going to,” I say.

“ _No, Lena, you don’t understand_.”

“I don’t believe I stuttered and we both know your hearing works perfectly,” I snap. “What did it feel like? What did it feel like when that creature’s claws ripped through the skin of your back before you fell?”

What on earth am I doing?

“ _What?_ ” she asks, baffled at my sudden, brazen attitude.

“What did it feel like? How long did it take that scar on your back to form?” I ask.

“ _What are you doing?_ ” she snaps.

“Answer me!”

“ _It felt like my spine was being torn out,_ ” she yells.

“Good! Then you know exactly what it’ll feel like when it happens to Alex.”

There should be silence at the other end, but I can clearly hear the sound of her heat vision burning in her skull. She is mad. Livid.

Good.

“ _You have ten seconds to explain what you just said before I leave this alien for J’onn and James and tear **your** spine out_.”

That is single-handedly the most terrifying and oddly arousing thing I have ever heard her say.

“Where do you think that thing is headed the second you roll over and let it kill you?” I ask. “Because after it clears a path through J’onn and James, Alex is the next person that’s gonna try to stop it. _You_ are facing this and _you_ are gonna kill it.”

“ _Lena, I can’t! I couldn’t even dent it before, what makes you think I can do this?_ ”

There’s a desperate sob just begging to tear through her. To anyone else, she just needs to clear her throat, but I know every inflection from the top of her range to the few times she’s ever lost her voice. She is terrified and she feels like she’s already lost.

Well, I’m a Luthor.

And Luthors **do not** lose.

“Because you don’t have a choice not to, Kara. You and I are gonna figure out how to beat this thing and then you are going to end it, are we clear?” I say sternly.

I’m getting really tired of long silences.

“ _What do I do?_ ”

God, I love this giant idiot.

“I want you to hit it _really_ hard.”

“ _Lena!_ ”

“I’m being serious!” I blast. “I want you to throw everything you have into one hit where it’s solar plexus would be.”

“ _Okay, fine. It’s no big deal, just hit it, Kara, I got this,_ ” she says to herself.

Adorable.

Before I can make a snarky remark about her pep-talk, I see her shoot towards the alien at a motion blurring speed.

She grunts as her fist meets what sounds like solid concrete. There wasn’t any give. It’s like she didn’t even hit it. Her cam is angled high enough where I can see that disgusting monster grin like the one that tried to take me. Before I can issue Kara another command, the alien grabs her arm and rifles her across the warehouse. She smashes into the steel wall, metal bending and twisting around her like some sort of catcher’s mitt.

“ _Any more brilliant ideas?_ ” she groans as she pries herself out of the mangled mess.

“Heat vision, as hard as you can without solar flaring, pick which ever eye is your favorite and focus on it.”

I hear her sigh before speeding back over to the alien. I hear the familiar crackle coming from her eyes, then in its usual blinding fashion, two bright blue beams shoot directly into the left eye of the creature.

There should be screeches of pain or the sizzle of something burning… but there’s none of that. Kara cuts off her vision and the rest of the beam disappears into the left eye of the beast… before shooting back out of it in a much thicker and faster beam. There’s only a gasp of surprise ripped from Kara’s throat before the laser absolutely obliterates the ground Kara’s on. I mean, full on disintegrates eight square feet of solid concrete underneath her.

     She falls for a split second before catching herself and hovering above the pristine hole beneath her.

“ _Please tell me you have another idea, because I am 0 for 2 on powers that are effective._ ”

“Well, your third one isn’t going to work anyway, so we need to find a weakness,” I say. “Evade as much as possible.”

Freeze breath won’t work, the reading we’re getting off this thing puts its core temperature as that of a dying star. The most that would happen would be mild condensation. This is a newborn, so it’s going to be running hot. The one that tried to take me was an adult, it was warm, but not searing.

The creature blurs in a burst of speed and has Kara by the neck before she even had time to answer me. I can’t see it, but judging by her gasps, it’s got a pretty good hold on her throat. She claws at its arm before unleashing a few bone-crushing punches into its biceps.

Nothing.

Jesus Lena, think! The only person on this planet worth saving is dying because you thought it would be brilliant to use her as your one-woman team. You didn’t hesitate when you executed Jack, you practically walked your own mother into prison, you spat in the face of the Luthor name, and you have brought down empires that people haven’t even heard of all for _her_.

You did not come this far to watch her die at the hands of your mistakes.

“Focus everything you have into its elbow joint!”

No sooner did I get it out when her fist slams into said joint.

The creature shrieks, seemingly in pain (and in rage), and retaliates by hurling her across the warehouse. She explodes through the wall and displaces a large chunk of the ground before slamming into, what had to be a hundred-year-old oak tree, completely splintering it.

I release a breath as she tries to catch hers.

Her excessive coughing and inhaling quickly turns into what I can only described as heartbreaking sobs.

Oh no, you do not get to give up now, not when I finally figured it out.

“Kara, get up.”

No reply, just more crying from her place on the ground, next to the remains of the tree.

“Kara, you need to get up.”

“ _Lena… I can’t_ ,” she says in between tears. “ _It’s too strong and I’m bordering on a solar flare._ ”

“Bordering, which means we still have time,” I try.

“ _No,_ ” she starts. “ _I can’t do it. It’s gonna kill me and then it’s gonna kill you_.”

I know every inflection her voice could make.

She really believes what she just said.

“Okay, you listen to me, you gigantic, alien idiot,” I say. “I did not just put everything on the line so that you could roll over and die. If you don’t get up, it’s going to kill you, then James, then J’onn, then Alex, but not me. Its gonna take me wherever the hell I was supposed to go the first time around and it will leave this planet defenseless.”

“ _I can’t do it,_ ” she sobs again.

“Yes, you can!” I shout. “You are earth’s true hero and as much of an ass as you’ve been lately, you are _still_ mine.” Deep breath. “And I need you Kara, not just as Supergirl. You are the only good thing about me and I will turn myself over to this creature before I let it kill you. The world doesn’t need Lena Luthor or anyone else of my status, they need you.”

The sobbing has stopped.

The dust settles and the monster is staring at her from the hole in the warehouse wall. It’s smiling again.

“ _Lena…_ ”

“I’ll make you a deal.” I sniffle, unaware that I had even being crying with her. “You defeat this thing, and you can come right back here for that kiss you’ve been so curious about.”

I think she actually laughs at that, watery, but a laugh none the less.

“ _What do I have to do?_ ”

“It’s an infant, premature at that. There are some basic guidelines that all living things have to abide by during infancy.”

“ _Which one is going to help us?_ ” she asks, finally standing.

“Skull plates.”

“ _Okay…?_ ”

“No matter what you are, your bones never start out solid, they’re either separated or weak.” And joints and tendons are just as sensitive. Another deep breath. “We’re gonna smash this thing’s head.”

“ _Lena, you saw me punch it earlier, I’m not strong enough,_ ” she argues.

“You by yourself? No. But how does your strength, plus your speed, plus the pull of the earth’s gravity sound?” A pause. “Fly that thing as high as you possibly can, send it headlong back into the ground as hard as you can, and split off before you take the hit with it.”

“ _That… could actually work._ ”

“You sound surprised that I thought of a brilliant plan.”

“ _Surprised it took you so long._ ”

Apparently, the creature didn’t appreciate our banter and got tired of waiting for Kara to make her move.

It launches itself at her and she waits.

Steady…

The second it makes contact with her, she uses all of its momentum to propel herself and it up into the sky. It’s shrieks and struggles in her arms, but she holds tightly, shooting into the sky at a blinding speed.

“Watch the claws, you are _not_ getting another scar from that green bastard.”

“ _Noted,_ ” she grunts.

“The second you can make out the words on my satellite, you rifle yourself back down, got it?” I instruct.

“ _You have a-_ ” Hold for intense struggle. “ _Satellite?_ ”

“Of course, I’m not an amateur.”

She’s miles above the ground. Too high and she goes into orbit and suffocates, too low and she only gives the creature a concussion. I’m watching her numbers climb steadily, but that does nothing to ease my mind.

“ _Okay, I see it, coming back down._ ”

She groans and tussles, but her numbers make a sharp change and rapidly start to fall.

Here she comes.

 _Please_ work.

“Aim for the warehouse, Kara. It’ll soften the blow and keep from creating an earthquake. The second you can see the ants on the ground, pull off, or your head gets crushed too,” I say.

I watch the numbers continue to fall. The camera is blocked by the flailing thing in her arms, but I’m only interested in seeing it dead.

But something is wrong and I can feel it beyond what I’m monitoring.

“Kara, you’re low enough, let go.”

“ _I’m-I’m trying_ ,” she strains. “ _It’s holding on to me, it knows what I’m doing._ ”

Shit.

It’s either playing chicken or fully planning on taking her with it.

“Kara, you’re too low, just pull up, we’ll find another way,” I order.

Silence.

“ _No._ ”

What?

“Excuse me?” I ask. “Please tell me I just picked up some interference and that you did not just say ‘no’.”

“ _I said no, Lena,_ ” she grits. “ _It’s not leaving alive and I won’t get another chance._ ”

“Kara, if you don’t pull up, you’ll die!”

“ _Then I die!_ ”

The blood rushing through my ears is all I can really hear outside of her at this point.

“Kara-”

“ _I die, but it does too._ ” She sighs, the noise almost getting caught up with the wind. “ _We die and no one else has to._ ”

“We… we will find another-”

“ _I have ten seconds before we hit ground. I’m not going out arguing with you._ ”

A sob is ripped from my chest.

“ _I don’t know what we’ve been through the past two years, but in the last two months, you’ve been the only thing that I wanted to know._ ” She chokes on the words.

I wanna say something. I wanna tell her that we still have time to know each other. I wanna punch her in the teeth for being so reckless. I wanna be angry at myself for doing this to her… to Alex… to all of us.

But then the high pitch screech of a com being destroyed fills the space where my words should’ve been.

There’s static over the mobile feed where the camera was crushed.

And there is a shattering feeling in my chest for every person in this building that had to watch it.

Throwing the tablet at the wall wasn’t satisfying. Tearing the com out of my ear and doing the same with it wasn’t satisfying either. Throwing the door open and not caring who saw me broken wasn’t an embarrassment. Seeing Alex’s blank face at the center console only made it worse. I didn’t kill Kara, we both know that, but I am responsible.

She, as well as the rest of the agents on deck all turn to me. Betrayal, anger, hurt, disappointment…all of it reflected back at me.

 _I_ did this.

And I will take everything they throw at me, because it’s what I deserve.

The first mouth opens to hurl something at me, but it never gets past their lips.

A building-rattling thud resounds all around us, but the vibrations from it tell me it’s somewhere behind me.

And I face it, ready to let it consume me.

But it’s not an it, it’s a her.

 _Her_.

She’s bleeding from the side of her head a little. Her suit is covered in dirt. Her hands are still shaking. She looks at me like I imagine I’m looking at her.

Like it’s impossible.

I’m vaguely aware that some agents are releasing their collective breaths, one cheers, another two high five, but they have no idea what went on behind the victory.

_Victory._

“Kara-” Alex starts.

She’s ignored.

Kara makes quick purposeful steps toward me, tight and measured. She’s angry, she’s hurt, she’s scared, but above all, she’s determined. A few people try to get her attention, but she breezes past them. The second she gets in front of me, I want to break down at her feet and beg her to forgive me.

But she’s too quick.

Her hands are on either side of my face and her lips are bruising mine before I get one word out.

And it was the best kiss of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not satisfied with how these are coming out, but I'm still not sure how I want to fix it yet.
> 
> Anyway, glad to be moving right along now. I'm notorious for my 10's and 12's when it comes to chapters, so I can't wait to release those as well.
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts (I greatly appreciate them).
> 
> A.Y.P.


	10. What A Wicked Game You Played

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To make me feel this way.

It’s unprofessional.

It’s a PR nightmare.

It’s so wrong.

But I don’t give a _damn_.

Let the corporate jaws hit the floor and the new NDA’s circulate the building.

Alex is going to kill me, then James is going to beat his chest over my corpse.

Mother is going to have a heart attack and Lex is going to have my gravestone assassinated.

And this is worth _every_ bit of it.

I honestly think the only thing that kept me standing was the entirely-too-gentle-for-the woman-of-steel hold she had on my jaw. It was the only thing that motivated me to stay upright, forget the embarrassment of collapsing after Supergirl kisses you, I just wanted-needed to keep feeling exactly what was happening. Supergirl has a way of making a person feel utterly breathless in many different ways.

Well, I just found another one.

No sooner did her lips leave mine when there were two more thuds behind her and the sound of fast paced steps behind me.

This should be good.

“Okay, I don’t even know how to begin to address this, so we’re just gonna ignore it right now,” Alex starts. “Supergirl, is it dead?”

“It doesn’t have a head, Alex,” Kara deflates.

(She just let go of my face.)

“Kara, up until ten seconds ago, we were all under the impression that you didn’t either,” Alex snaps.

I don’t dare move from my position, almost in Kara’s chest. She is the safest place for me right now, as I don’t even wanna see James’ face, and if I turn around, I’ll be met with Alex’s. Running won’t do me any good either, half the D.E.O. just saw that little display.

“I still landed hard, just not on my head,” Kara says, pulling the smashed bodycam from her chest, and then dropping it unceremoniously on the ground next to us.

Giant, precious, alien idiot.

“Fantastic.” Alex steps much closer to us, so close I can practically feel her breath on my neck. “You both are so dead, what kind of dumbass plan-”

“Alex, can we please not do this right now,” Kara pleads, shoulders slumped. “I’m exhausted, I’ve broken at least three ribs, and James is ten seconds from breaking his other hand on the back of my head. You can grill me on the sunbed.”

Alex pauses, I guess taking in Kara’s exhausted posture.

I wouldn’t know, I’ve been staring either at her chin or her collar this whole time. From what I can tell she _seems_ like she’s about to collapse. I know I’ll have to move eventually, but if I’m lucky, the ground will open and swallow me. Seriously, she couldn’t have waited until we got literally _anywhere_ else to do that?

“Fine,” Alex says through her teeth. Alex is suddenly much further from us as I hear her next sentence. “Show’s over people, we still have a job to do. Get the field team on the alien remains.”

“If you walk away and leave me here to fend for myself, so help me…” I grit out.

“Well, you can follow me like I planned, or I can carry you.”

I finally look up at her, if only to glare right into her smirk. When she turns, I turn with her and effectively keep her in between me and James’ line of sight. I don’t even wanna give him the option to glare at me. I’m not going to look around either, because I don’t wanna see the expressions of anyone else in the entire building. Especially not Alex’s.

I usually hate the sunbed room, as it usually means Kara is injured, but today, it’s a safe haven.

“Right, we should probably get you out of those-”

Kara jumps up onto the sunbed and immediately kicks back.

“Clothes…” I finish.

“Wow, you get one kiss and want me to strip down?” She smiles at me and powers up the sunbed.

“Funny, and you know the protocol after coming into contact with harmful or unknown substances,” I say.

“You literally sound like a safety pamphlet,” she finishes with a yawn, closing her eyes. “Lena, give me like ten minutes to recharge and I will do all the stripping you want.”

“Well, you can recharge and talk then. What was… that?” I cross my arms uncomfortably, coming to stand next to her sunbed.

She cracks an eye open at me and a smile slowly forms on her face.

“Do we need to explain how kisses work again?”

“Kara, I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

“You realize that almost every colleague we have saw that right? That includes your sister. _Our_ boss,” I continue.

“ _One_ of our bosses. You’re technically our other one,” she says, closing her eye.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I ask.

“Well, I figured since we were stating the obvious…”

“You are making it very difficult not to punch you in your broken ribs.”

“Oh my god, Lena.” She sits up abruptly and faces me. “What is it that you’re struggling so hard to say to me? You can’t be mad because you’re the one who told me if I survived-”

“You couldn’t have waited until we were alone?” I blast. “We are gonna have hell to pay for that. This is going to a bigger nightmare than the alien was.”

“No,” she says simply.

“What?” I ask. “No to what?”

“No,” she stands up with a grimace. “I couldn’t have waited until we were alone.”

Oh.

Okay, just say that and leave me speechless when I should be asking why or slapping the shit out of you for being so reckless.

“Well… you should’ve.”  Good Lena, great job making yourself not look like a moron.

“Lena, I had just gotten out of a life or death game of chicken with an alien that was more than capable of killing me, which I only won because it tried to push off of me to escape at the last second. I got the literal wind knocked outta me while I watched its head explode after I just told you what I thought was going to be the last thing I’d ever say. It was the only thing on my mind the second I realized I wasn’t dead.”

The amount of heart palpitations I am experiencing right now…

“I’m still very temped to punch you in your broken ribs right now.” I try to cover my blush.

“I’m with Lena on that one.” I hear Alex snap.

Dear god, she’s behind me. I won’t be able to see it coming when she breaks my neck. At this rate, she’s going to tear my head completely off my body. I don’t know what she’s more angry about, the plan that nearly killed Kara, or her kissing me in a public area right after she nearly died. Either or, the power of both of those combined is deadly. I guess this is probably the best way to go out though, I mean, it’s an honor to be killed by Alex Danvers, right?

“You guys realize that punching me in my broken ribs would still probably break your hand, right?” Kara exasperates.

“I don’t care!” Alex strides over to us quickly, stopping next to me. “Do you have any idea what you put me through seeing that? You said you had it under control.” She turns on me.

“I _did_.” I hiss. “No one’s dead, minus the alien, and Kara’s fine.”

Oh the glare this woman is giving me.

“Alex, don’t get mad at her, I’m the one that ignored her order to pull up,” Kara says, leaning against the sunbed.

“Yeah, because you’re a dumbass and it was her dumbass idea!” Alex pauses, fists clenched. She takes a deep breath, and just when I think she’s going to make good on the punching, she launches herself into Kara’s arms. “Don’t ever do something like that again.”

Surprisingly, Kara wraps her arms around Alex and rests her chin on her shoulder. She shoots me a slight grimace because, well, Alex is a stranger to her. She relaxes though, because after all, Alex is _still_ her sister. It’s actually kind of touching. Even after everything that’s happened, they can still find comfort in each other.

Alex pulls back, but still holds Kara close. Kara shoots her a small smile and Alex steps all the way back, next to me again.

“Okay, now what the hell was that kiss?” Alex spouts.

“You know, I should go-” I turn on my heel to see James and J’onn in the doorway. “-fuck, I guess I’ll stay.” I turn back around immediately.

“Yeah, I’m also a little curious as to what that was,” James sasses.

Maybe I should’ve let Kara drop him earlier.

“Oh my god, you guys are acting like I proposed,” Kara groans. “Can we please do this while I’m on the sunbed?”

“How the hell are we supposed to explain that?” Alex asks, looking pointedly a me.

“Don’t expect an explanation from me, I’m not the one that caused a department-wide scandal,” I say. It’s the truth, I may have enticed her will to live with a kiss, but she was the one that collected at an inopportune time.

“From the look of it, you were enjoying yourself.” James cuts in. “I mean, you clearly didn’t stop it.”

“So… is that a yes to the sunbed?”

“James, I am not doing this with you again.” I snap.

“I should go make sure everything’s okay out there,” J’onn blurts out.

“No, stay, I need someone to keep me from strangling someone.” Alex stops him.

“I’m getting on the sunbed.”

“Lena, I think we _all_ deserve an explanation,” James says, coming to stand in front of me.

“Sure, James! Why don’t I start with the night you stormed into the med-bay?”

“Wait, when did that happen?”

“Okay!” J’onn’s voice goes off like a thunder clap, startling all into silence.

Alex is still angry but confused, James has taken a step too close to me judging by the glare Kara is shooting him from her reclined perch on the sunbed, I’m halfway from hauling off on James, and J’onn is incredibly uncomfortable and annoyed by the door.

What a damn mess.

“We all need to take a breath and calm down, turning against each other isn’t going to solve anything,” J’onn finishes.

“Okay, J’onn’s right, we need to handle this like adults,” Alex says, receiving a supportive nod from J’onn. “So, Kara, what the flying fuck was that?”

I will never forget what a Martian looks like when he’s given up all hope and accepts defeat. It’s kind of beautiful in a tragic way.

“Elegant, Alex,” I mumble, staring down the hulking man in front of me.

“Kara, answers, now,” Alex seethes.

Due to the lack of said answer, I turn my attention to Kara who is glaring twice as hard now at James. He seems to have already noticed and decided to ignore her.

I can’t imagine this will go over well.

“Kara, I believe Alex asked you a question,” J’onn reiterates.

Kara remains silent, but almost looks like she bristles a little.

“Kara!” Alex blasts.

If Kara clenches her jaw any tighter, her teeth may break.

“Back. Up.” Is hissed through Kara’s teeth, accentuated by her leaning forward, like she’s poised to strike.

Remember earlier, when I mentioned her threatening me was the most oddly arousing thing she had ever done?

This blows that well out of the water.

James makes eye contact with her and has the nerve to lift his chin in defiance. He stays rooted right where he is, barely a foot in front of me.

“What are you gonna do? Hit me with the boss standing right there?” He smirks. He then finds it appropriate to drop his hand onto my shoulder (a little too roughly) while looking her dead in the eyes.

In a literal flash, James is against the opposing wall. Well, I say ‘against’, but he more so bounces off of it, eyes wide and wind knocked out of him. My view is slightly skewed from that beautiful, red cape in front of me.

“Absolutely.” If words could kill, Kara would’ve murdered James with that one word.

“Okay, never mind, J’onn check on whatever the hell’s going on out there and take him with you.” Alex points to James, who is hunched over and wheezing. She actually looks more shocked than I thought she would, then again, she hasn’t been filled into all that’s happened between the three of us.

J’onn (with a look that could also kill) happily drags James from the room.

“What the actual fuck is going on with you two?” Alex asks, taking a step back, like she truly doesn’t recognize Kara. “If you guys are actually sleeping together, now is the time to tell me.”

“Jesus, we aren’t sleeping together, Alex.” I roll my eyes.

“Well something is _clearly_ going on. I told James he was being paranoid but now-”

“Wait, he actually _talked_ to you about that?” I cut her off.

That little, conniving, tattletale, aluminum, bit-

“Well, is he wrong?” She asks.

“I want him gone.” Kara quickly turns to Alex. “I mean it, I want him gone, Alex.”

Alex hesitates big time, looking back and forth between the both of us.

“Oh my god, he was right,” Alex says. “You kissed her because-”

“Because I felt like it!” Kara yells. “And it has nothing to do with that jackass. Fire him.”

This is the last thing they need to go to blows over, especially not for me. Things are already difficult, and everyone feels like they’re falling apart. We are already so screwed without my added problems; this **cannot** be the number one priority. 

“Kara, I can’t just fire someone because they stepped on your toes. And quite frankly, you are out of line, especially when he’s the only one actually telling me what’s going on with you.” Alex bites.

“Fine! Then I’ll tell you very detail about how Lena and I **aren’t** sleeping together and you get rid of him.” Kara takes a menacing step towards Alex.

“Ladies,” I try. Please don’t do this, not now.

“Kara, what-” Alex cuts herself off, reeling. “What is going on with you? God, I don’t even know you anymore!”

“Likewise!”

That.

_That_ was what I was trying to avoid.

“I-Kara, I am the same damn person you’ve always known. You being an asshole doesn’t change who I am to you.” Alex gets right up in Kara’s face.

 “Kara, stop,” I try again. Anything to get through to her that this is the wrong time, the _worst_ time.

“Exactly! Who even are you to me? You’re the director of an agency that I bust my ass for, swooping in to save the day for at your convenience-”

“Kara!” I snap.

“Putting everything on the line to save _you_ , when I don’t even know who the hell you are!”

I hate being able to hear the AC click on in the building. This place is the size of multiple airplane hangers, soundproofed and concrete, and yet there is still just enough dead space to hear something as small as that. The only way to hear it is when things go absolutely, dead silent. It’s a noise barely above the sound of your own heartbeat, but when you hear it at a time like this, it goes off like a gunshot.

Straight through the heart.

And if you saw the tears in Alex’s eyes, threatening to fall, it would hurt like the shot through the heart too.

Kara’s not fairing much better either, I can only see the side of her face, but her pain matches Alex’s. The intense stare-down they have going doesn’t make it much better. Kara’s shoulders tremble, Alex’s remain still.

There will always be certain ways where Alex is stronger than she is. Always.

“And you knew.” Alex’s eyes shift to me.

I can’t even bare to nod. We were supposed to be a team when it came to Kara, we formed bond over it.

Her eyes shift back to Kara and then… Kara breaks.

It starts with one tear and doesn’t stop after that. It’s a different kind of solar flare, one that’s internal, where her will breaks. She huffs out a sob and can’t continue to hold Alex’s stare. It’s the deflating her shoulders do, you can literally see the fight leave her. She has the presence of mind to know that she went too far and put me on the line with her. She hurt us all with that. It’s the first bit of submission I’ve seen from her since she fell from the sky, and of course, who else for but Alex?

“Alex,” she pleads.

It was a good try, a valiant effort, but one in vain as Alex side steps her. She shoots me a look of hurt and betrayal before she gets out the door. Kara remains in her spot, staring at the place Alex should be standing.

That hurt lot more than I thought it would. I knew that one day I would inevitably disappoint her hard, but I expected that to be a ways off. I thought that maybe I could get used to having a sister first. Maybe she could be my family, just for little while, just until I knew what it was before my downfall.

And I want to be mad at her, Kara, I want to throw her wanting me to be alone in her face again.

But I can’t.

Because no matter how much pain I’m in at this exact moment, no matter how alone I feel at any given moment… it’s _nothing_ compared to how she feels right now. I can’t add to that, not to her.

“We um-” I sniffle, walking around her to stand where Alex had. “We should go.”

I thought I had seen her broken before, defeated, but this… she’s given up.

“Why are you still here… after…” She trails off.

“Because I want to be,” I answer.

The left corner of her mouth quirks up for a second.

“I’m sorry.”

The first real apology from her and I don’t want it.

I don’t want anything to do with it. I’ve been waiting for that moment when she realized how much of as asshole she’s been, she would apologize, and I would revel in it. It was supposed to be something that tasted so sweet… but I don’t want it, not like this.

“God… all of this over a fucking kiss.” I let out a watery laugh.

“I don’t regret it.”

Stop.

Stop with that.

Stop saying things like that, all the right things at the wrong times that make me-

“I can’t do this.” Startles us both. We both whip around to see a still just a teary eyed Alex walking back through the doorway.

“Alex-”

“No,” Alex cuts Kara off. “We aren’t doing this right now. I am mad as hell at the both of you, but don’t for a second think that love you any less.”

Kara can’t contain the sob ripped from her body and I barely contain mine.

“I don’t care who the hell you think I am,” Alex continues. “I am your sister. And there is not one alien, lack of memory, kissing scandal, or stupid decision you idiots could ever make that would change that or how I feel about the both of you.”

I wanna hug her. I know Kara does too, but I also know that if any one of us touches the other, we’re gonna lose it completely and not move for 17 hours.

“We can make a statement-” I start.

“No,” she stops me. “You two need to get out of here. I don’t care where you go, just go together and I’ll call when I get off. Change before you leave and go out the back, I have a department that needs a new asshole torn.

And just like that, the badass that she is, she walks back out of the room. Kara slowly turns back to me.

“Should go back to mine or…”

“We’ll go to mine.” I finish for her. “I think we have a few things we need to talk about.”

“Yeah… I do too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There she be, chapter 10. This is actually one of my favorite chapters, tied with another one coming around the bend.
> 
> I also really appreciate the amount of feedback on the last update, it made me feel... feelings.
> 
> Anyway, on to the next, I hope you are all having a good week.
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts.
> 
> A.Y.P.


	11. Bangin' My Head Against The Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing makes sense, no sense at all.

Kara has held me many times before.

Dozens.

As both Kara and as Supergirl.

It should be no different than any other time.

But it _is_.

Maybe it’s because we experienced… what we experienced this morning, or maybe something else. When she flew us back to mine, it felt like she held on a little tighter. In her defense, I may have held on a little tighter too. I think we just avoided eye contact for two hours before Alex came calling. Really, the only things said were me asking if she wanted water and her accepting. We wanted to talk, but I’m not sure either one of us knew what to say.

Or how to feel.

She hadn’t come back after that. Here I am, hours later, 10 at night, and not so much as a text to tell me if I’m waiting up for no reason. I know she and Alex had a lot to talk about, and Kara really did need to be processed and rested, but I have to be in there somewhere.

“Please tell me that’s your first glass of wine.”

I’m moving into an underground bunker with only one door that trips an alarm whenever someone so much as breathes on it wrong.

“The door, Kara.” I glare at her from my spot on the couch. “For the love of God, start using the door.”

“Now where’s the fun in that?” She smiles, dropping herself next to me.

“We’ll see how much fun it is when you give me a literal heart attack.” I set my glass on the coffee table. “And yes, first glass.”

“Right… so…”

“Did you work everything out with Alex?” I blurt out.

It’s a lifeline, Kara, take it.

“Yes.” She deflates with a sigh. “We talked and… cried. The usual, ‘why didn’t you just tell me’ thing.”

“Sounds like it worked out though.”

“For the most part. She said she’ll yell at me for kissing you later.”

“Can you not say that so casually?”

“Lena, for the last time, just because you don’t wanna address it doesn’t-”

“Enough with that!” I cut her off. “I meant… we haven’t really even talked about it and what it was. We need to clarif-”

“It was a kiss.”

“What it means.” I shoot her a glare.

Her stupidly adorable smile returns to her face, the one that just _disarms_ me in the worst ways. I don’t like how comfortable she is. Still in her sweats and plain white t-shirt, reclining back on my couch, hair down, smiling at me this is all fine… what I wouldn’t give for it to just go back to normal.

I think I finally get it now, when she said everything was wrong and she wanted it to go back to the way it’s supposed to be. This feeling, the one of the most excruciating unknown, it’s not a good one. This is actually quite horrible in so many different ways. I just want my best friend back, but…

I can’t tell if I’m more terrified of losing who she was, or of all that I’m feeling for her now.

I’ve only ever known Kara as an all-encompassing love. As acceptance, understanding, joy, support, trust, innocence… but this is so different. Now she’s inherently frustrating, honest, loyal, confident and… kinda sexy (but that’s beside the point). I’ve been aching to have who she was back, to not only give her back the last two years, but give _us_ back the past two years.

“You’re thinkin’ pretty hard there.” She pulls me out of my thoughts.

“Can you blame me?”

“I guess not.”

Alright Supergirl, time to blink.

“What did that kiss mean to you?” I ask. “That… that was not what we talked about.”

“Why did it have to mean anything?” She sighs. “It’s the same thing I told Alex, I kissed you because I wanted to.”

Not the time to blush, Lena.

“Kara, I’ve been kissed by people that wanted to before.” I finally make solid eye contact. “It’s _never_ been like that. So, why was it?”

She sits up straight and turn a little more to face me.

“You mean, why did I kiss you the way you wanted me to?”

“Don’t,” Keep it together, Lena. “Don’t do that. Don’t put this all on me. You have been insufferable since you lost your memory. I have had to watch the person I care about the most lose herself and everyone around her. Please, Kara, I’m tired. Just for once, give me a straight answer.”

She looks at me with more apprehension than I like. She actually reaches up to adjust the glasses that aren’t on her face, before smiling at herself at the realization. Eyes cast down, she turns to me even more, edging just a little closer. Her mouth opens and closes a few times, a laugh escapes at her own ridiculousness. Her eyes come back up and smolder into mine.

“I uh…” Hard swallow. “I never meant to feel this way.”

And then my genuine terror, the silence terror. Please do not be saying what I think you’re saying.

“Maybe we shouldn’t-”

“Or maybe we should.” She cuts me off softly. “I _have_ been the biggest asshole. I have done everything in my power to just be… real. People might have hated me for it, but all I wanted to do was tell the truth.”

“You have,” I will not cry. “And yes, I hated you for it.”

“But I never lied!” She exasperates. “Not even when I told you… what I told you when I thought I was gonna die today.”

“What are you… Kara, you shouldn’t do this.” I drop my gaze to my lap.

“I heard what you said to Alex, through her com.”

“Which thing?”

“About you loving me.”

“Kara.” My eyes snap back to hers. “It wasn’t like _that._ ”

“No, I know.” She shakes her head. “I mean… when I heard that, maybe it wasn’t like that for you, but…”

Please, stop. If there is a god that exists out there in any universe, stop this from happening. This is not how this is supposed to go for us, this is not how it works. Stop her from saying things that she can’t possibly say. Stop the person I love the most from making a confession she can’t back up. Kara Danvers does not feel like this towards Lena Luthor. When her memories come back, she will remember that.

“Kara,” I stand up abruptly, cutting off her attempt at… at… “We’re not doing this. _We_ don’t do this. This is not who we are.”

Damnit Kara, remember! Remember who we are to each other!  You are my best friend and the only person on this planet I trust with my life. I am your best friend who you have trusted with your life on more than one occasion. I save you, you save me, it’s the cycle. It’s _our_ cycle. There are thousands of processes in my head have been dedicated to preventing this exact moment. I allow myself to hardly feel 1% of 1% of my emotions with you and you are the only person I allow to see even that much. _That_ is who you are to me. And you fall into me whenever life is too much for you to pretend that you’re fine. _That_ is who I am to you.

We work, we fight, we relax, we save each other. We tick and tock in the same space, but we never meet each other at the right time.

_That_ is who we are.

“This is exactly who I am!” She shoots up in front of me. “I also know what it feels like when someone kisses you just because they felt like it and that is not how you kissed me back, Lena.  Don’t put this all on me.”

“Kara, you are not yourself since-”

And this… damn alien does it again.

She kisses me like she’s not supposed to.

The firm grip on the back of my neck makes we wanna throw this whole ‘not us’ charade out and just let her win. It makes me wanna do things that you shouldn’t wanna do with your best friend. The moan I let into her mouth is _not_ platonic, and her other hand going straight to my ass because of it, isn’t either. This is not something we would do if she had her memories. I will not risk the friendship over what she doesn’t know. We have to go back. We have to go back to who we are.

I pull my mouth from hers for a split second to say just as much.

“Kara, this is not who we-”

She swallows the rest of my sentence and I let her a little too easily.

“Lena,” she whispers into my mouth. “Stop talking.”

Can I convince myself that I’m platonically untying the drawstring on her sweatpants?

She platonically dropped her hand from my neck to my thigh.

Our teeth platonically click and thud in the sloppiest and hottest make-out of my life.

She platonically lifts me.

My legs platonically go around her waist.

She… takes a step… towards my bedroom…

“Oh my god, we can’t do this,” she says, as she rips her mouth from mine.

I unwrap my legs from her at a pace that suggests I’ve been set on fire and put healthy amount of space between us. I catch my breath as she reties her drawstrings.

“Oh thank god,” I breathe. “This is still _not_ who we are. It’s just high emotions… lapse of judgement.”

“Oh my god,” Kara tears herself even further away from me and paces in the space that we’ve both adopted as our pacing space. “I can’t tell if I finally f-fucking get it or if I still don’t!”

“Get what? That we can’t do… what just almost happened?” I throw my hands out.

“No, _that_ is obvious. I know why we can’t do that. But you… you don’t even _know_ me.”

“Oh my fuck, Kara, you don’t even know you.” I stand in her way, bringing us face to face yet again.

“Lena, I know who I am. Everything is just wrong, and I don’t understand _any_ of it. Nothing makes sense and I’m trying so hard, but I can’t be okay with it,” she exasperates.

“You have what is probably the worst concussion known to any species,” I snap. “We didn’t tell you that, because we didn’t wanna freak you out. But… your memories might _never_ come back. That’s how bad it is. How ever bad you thought it was, multiply it by 10 and even then, you won’t be close. I know this is confusing and terrifying, but you’ve got an entire team of people that love you that are always going to be here, memory or not.”

Kara’s shoulders drop completely, eyes slightly wet. That was not the way we were supposed to tell her… but I just can’t keep this from her any longer. Her ‘possibly’ of losing her memories forever is officially now a ‘probably’ and I can’t keep pretending she’ll come back to me for the sake of my heart.

“God… even now…” A humorless laugh. “I can see why she loves you.”

“Kara,” I laugh. “Alex may not want to kill me anymore, but she does _not_ love me.”

“She journaled about you constantly,” she chokes out. “She loved you more than anything… and it’s still not even close to how I feel about you.”

“Oh, Kara, yes, you did love me but-”

“Platonically.” She cuts me off, leaning even closer to me. “And for the life of me, I don’t get how she never fell in love with you. And that’s why I can’t do this, not like this.”

“Kara… what do you mean? What’s wrong?” I ask, my voice wavering.

“I am not who you think I am,” she whispers. “I’m not from here.”

“Well… you’re an alien-”

“Lena,” she snaps, startling me. “I am not from here… I knew it the second I woke up in your arms and saw my dead sister walk up behind you.”

“Kara…” Rigid spine, taking a step back from her, blood thinning out, running cold, hesitance in my voice, bits and pieces of feelings, flashes of memories, everything is wrong, winded, too much air, not enough, I don’t even know you, this is who I am but… this… this is not who _she_ is.

“I am not your Kara, and the earth your Kara fell into wasn’t hers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. This chapter has been long awaited, and the next is the notorious 12th.
> 
> I really appreciate all the feedback on the last chapter, it kept me going for this one. Can't wait to see how the next few will be for you guys.
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts. 
> 
> A.Y.P.


	12. I'm Tired of Keeping Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can see it in my eyes, I don't wanna die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend re-reading the last chapter before this one to remember exactly where we are.

“What do you… what do you mean _my_ Kara… and your earth…”

“Lena, I am not your Kara. I can’t even really figure out who your Kara was.”

Everything is wrong.

Where do I even begin?

Do I start with the day she fell out of the sky? When she was diagnosed with amnesia and we all lost a lot of who she was?

What about her sudden attraction to me? That was when things seemed the most off.

Maybe when she started treating everyone with an unnatural coldness.

And what about right now? She’s claiming she fell out of her world and landed in ours, but that’s impossible. There are too many things that don’t add up.

Two years.

It was the two years, something in them, what the alien hijacked from her mind. There is something there, something so important, so fundamental-

“Reign,” I blurt out.

“What?” Adorably confused face.

“It was Reign…” How could I not have seen that? The most monumental thing that changed all of us, that _made_ us. “That’s what that alien took from you, you don’t remember Reign, or Sam, or even Ruby. We’ve never talked about it since you lost your memory, and now I know why.”

Kara almost died. We _all_ almost died. But Kara, she was there, right in the middle of it. That was when I made her think I hated her… it all makes sense.

“Reign… the Worldkiller?” she asks.

“Yes! You fought her roughly a year ago, nearly died, we all did. But we stopped her, and it honestly made us who we are, the people you don’t remember.” I have to fix her; I have to make her remember.

Lena,” She deflates for a moment, dropping her gaze to the floor, then rising back to me. “I remember Reign.”

“Good! So, you’re remembering-”

“I killed her.”

That stops my sentence dead.

“No… Kara you didn’t kill her. Sam-”

“Is also dead.” She takes a step towards me. “There wasn’t time, or resources, I had to do it.”

“N-no… that’s not what happened.” Tears blur my vision. “Okay, what about Winn? You’ve known him longer than-”

“I have no idea who Winn even is here. He ran numbers in my world’s D.E.O., I barely said two words to the guy.”

I sway on my feet, nausea and dizziness threatening to knock me over. She reaches out to me, but I recoil before she touches me. She drops her hand with a nod.

“M… Mon-El,” I start weakly.

“Lar Gand. That’s his real name, the prince of Daxam… and dead, not by my hand.”

“Kara,” I choke out. “If this is some other attempt to get me to hate you…”

“It’s not, Lena.” Her fingers brush mine. “I… I didn’t ever wanna have to tell you this, but I can’t just feel this way and… and act on it when you think I’m someone I’m not.”

It’s not possible.

Button: pressed.

“You need a hell of a lot more than that to convince me that-” I cut myself off, my voice wavering far more than I can handle.

“Earth 28, that’s where I’m from, that’s where I got pulled out of,” she says softly.

She’s lying. This is her sad attempt to turn me into a true Luthor again.

And it is tempting.

“You are a lot of things, Kara, one of them being a damn bad liar. Give it up, now, and I won’t grab that radioactive rock and beat you with it,” I spit.

“You throw an entire planet made of that radioactive rock on me.” She runs a hand through her hair. “You don’t have to believe it, Lena… but it doesn’t change the-”

I nearly break both my wrists as my palms slam against her shoulders. I shove and I push… but she doesn’t budge.

“Stop… stop this… please,” I beg.

The strength in my arms buckles and leaves me with my face in her chest. And I hate that she holds me close to her in a way that I know Kara never would. She hasn’t wrapped an arm around me from the side in months. She hasn’t carried me bridal-style when we’ve flown. She only stands next to me at all if she can’t physically stand in front of me.

Everything has been full frontal and close.

Always stepping too close to me.

Hands on both my shoulders.

Back almost pressed against my front when the need to stand in front and protect me arises.

She hurt James for me.

She shunned Alex and let me in.

She did everything that Kara would never do, memory or not, for me.

This woman is in love with me.

And I have no idea who she is.

“I’m so sorry, Lena.” Her sobs are almost drowning out mine.

“You...” Another sob rips from my chest. “You lied about everything.”

This was some sort of violent awakening, because I damn near get whiplash from how fast she pushed me out from her chest. Pushed away, but kept close enough for her hands to remain on my shoulders.

A mannerism Kara would never do.

“No, Lena I never once lied to you.” She levels me with her eyes. “Not about anything. I told you, all I’ve ever done is be honest and tell the truth.”

“Honesty is not withholding information, Kara!” I step back from her, pulling her hands off my shoulders. “Just because you didn’t lie, does not mean you were honest. You played me, you played everyone.”

“Lena, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to find a way back and switch with your Kara months ago, but I couldn’t.” She takes a step towards me. “I was only planning on keeping this up until I found her, and it would be like nothing happened. But one month turned to two and I still had nothing and then…”

“Two turned to three and you just let us believe it.” I cross my arms.

I’ve always hated seeing Kara cry.

My heart always followed hers and when it broke, mine would break along with it. When she teared up, my eyes would water. When she was angry, my eyes blazed right next to hers. I tethered myself to her and followed her emotional range, albeit from a distance, but with her none the less.

But the person in front of me is not Kara. Not _my_ Kara. She has her face, but that’s all. That’s all she should be to me now, a face.

But I’m still crying with her.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she says softly.

“You let yourself kiss me.” This causes a fresh wave of tears to wash over the both of us. “You said things and you did things… and none of it was real.”

“Lena, no.” She pulls my hands into hers…and I let her. “Everything I did at first was to better her, to help her pull her head out of her ass and be a better hero.”

“Is that how you sleep at night?” I spit.

She clenches her jaw for a moment, and I know I’m hitting hard.

“Everything I did for you… it was all me.” Her eyes drop to our intertwined hands. “And I was only thinking about you. She didn’t matter… not when it came to you.”

“Right,” I sniffle. “And you’ve always somehow been one step ahead of me. I should’ve seen it right then.”

“It’s not like it was easy.” She tries to give me a half smile.

You **giant** -

One laser

**Alien-**

Two lasers.

**Idiot.**

Three.

She looks down at her chest and notices the three glowing spots trained on her.

“You’re right,” I start. “It’s not easy. How does it feel to finally be behind?”

Ice.

It’s in my voice, my face, my blood.

Her eyes close tightly and her head hangs for a moment before looking back up at me.

“Lena-”

“You remember my talk about buttons?” My eyes are dry, voice strong, hands confident. “Sometimes the buttons are literal.” I wrench my hands out of hers and point to my watch, cap flipped up with her… _Kara’s_ crest activated.

“Maybe… maybe I didn’t give your Kara enough credit,” she says around a pained smile.

 “I don’t think you’ve given anyone enough credit, you really are nothing like her.” I cross my arms and step further back.

“This isn’t necessary, I’ll come in willingly.” Her hands come up in surrender.

“Quite frankly, you can’t be trusted, so I think it’s every bit as necessary,” I bite.

“Lena,” She pauses for a moment, looking out my balcony windows, before whipping her head back to me. “They’re… they’re readying to shoot. Please, call them off.”

“No.”

She tenses, breathing speeding up, trembling, she looks like _my_ Kara.

“Lena, I’m sorry.” She’s borderline crying again. “I know you’re hurt, but don’t do this out of spite. You’re not like this.”

“You clearly have no idea what I’m like, just like I have no idea who you are.” I nod towards the window and before she can even blink, it shatters.

Before the glass even fully hits the ground, there’s a green dart in her chest. She stares down at it and staggers for a second. She looks back up at me and opens her mouth. Yet again, before she can even do anything, another dart plants itself into her chest and that’s the one that does it. She drops to one knee, fighting the effects for a second, before toppling over on her side. I take quick strides to turn her on her back (because it’s possible if she rolls onto her stomach, she’ll push the darts into her body), and hear her faintly mumbling.

“I don’t wanna die,” she slurs. “Please… I don’t wanna die.” Tears run down the sides of her face.

She… thinks we’re killing her? Jesus, she pissed me, and the entire D.E.O listening in, off but I would never go so far as to…

But she wouldn’t know that.

“Shhhh,” I sooth, running a hand through her hair. “Relax, don’t fight it.”

She kept her eyes on mine, lips trembling and tears slowing, until they both shut.

Then Alex walked through my front door.

###

 She woke up flailing.

Then proceeded to empty her stomach on the shoes of the tech administering the equivalent of Kryptonian adrenaline into her body. It was comical, mostly because I warned him that that could happen, and he brushed me off.

I felt a little bad for her, however.

I know she’s scared, and I think her stomach was more nervous and surprised at being alive than adrenaline shocked. Alex struggled not to go to her and make sure she was alright. I too had a bit of the same struggle. She looks like Kara, but she’s _not_.

As of now, there are kryptonite cuffs on her wrists, and she sits in a holding room with Alex and I on the outside. We haven’t said a word, there’s just a mutual understanding that we’re going to be the ones doing this… interrogating her.

“I should’ve seen it.”

“Alex, we _all_ should’ve seen it. And don’t give me the, ‘I’m her sister’ bit because she barely spent any time with you, whereas she spent the most time with me and even I couldn’t tell.”

That shut her down real quick and has her nodding reluctantly.

She takes a deep breath, a move I consider copying, before she pushes the interrogation room door open. She walks in, me after her, and avoids Kara’s eyes. She sits at the table across from Kara, as I choose to lean against the wall behind her, looking Kara dead in the eyes.

“State your full name,” Alex rasps.

“Kara Zor-El.” Her voice shakes, unsure as I’ve ever seen her.

“Alias?” Alex follows up.

She hesitates for a moment, dropping her eyes to the table.

“Linda Lee Danvers.”

I let out a sharp breath like I’ve been punched.

She doesn’t even go by the same name.

“When-” Alex’s voice cracks and she clears her throat. “When did you first arrive here?”

“Three months ago.”

“Where are you from, not Krypton, which multiverse?”

“Uh, Earth 28.”

There’s no record of an Earth 28. I mean, we have to assume it exists seeing as the furthest known numbered Earth is 52, but there is no known record of 28 on any other planet or multiverse. She’s from a complete blank space as far as we know, that earth could be anything.

She could be anyone. Hero or villain.

“What was your intention when you landed here?” I ask.

“I didn’t land here.” She regards my arched eyebrow. “Not… intentionally. I was just acting as your Supergirl until I could find a way back.”

“Who are you on your Earth?” Alex cuts in.

“Supergirl, just like here,” she answers.

“How did you get here?”

The first question that really matters.

“I don’t know,” she shrugs. “One second I’m fighting off the Manteadia outside one of their portals, the next I’m hurtling towards the ground, then waking up… in Lena’s arms.”

“Manteadia? Is that what those creatures are called?” I ask.

“Yeah, their native tongue roughly translates their species name to “mantis-like”. They invaded Earth 28 two years ago.”

Two years ago.

Two.

Years.

Ago.

Before Alex can next a word out, I cut her off.

“Are we parallel?” I ask.

“From what I can tell, minus a few minor details, yes.”

“What kind of details?” Alex blurts out.

“I’m… I’m not really sure where to start.” She grimaces.

Well, we are.

“Are we still sisters?” Alex asks.

“Yes, the Danvers’ took me in a year after Superman dropped me off at an orphanage.”

I’m conflicted on whether to shoot her a look of understanding about being in an orphanage or a look of disappointment about the whole ‘dead sister’ thing she failed to mention.

 “Okay, let’s start with the basics then. I’ll give you a name, you tell me their status on your earth. J’onn J’onzz,” Alex says.

“Alive, director of the D.E.O.… what’s left of it.”

“What happened to thee D.E.O.?” I cut in.

Kara hesitates again.

“When they invaded, they quickly realized we were powerful adversaries. We couldn’t kill them, but we sure slowed them the hell down. Two weeks after the invasion, they went all in, destroyed most of the D.E.O. and we were forced into hiding,” she finishes.

“Brainy,” Alex starts again.

“Alive, right hand to J’onn”

“James Olsen.”

“Alive, war hero… and Caucasian.”

I almost laugh at that.

“Sam Arias.”

“Dead,” I answer for her. “They couldn’t split her from Reign a year ago.” I leave out the part about Kara being the one to kill her.

“Superman?” I ask.

“I have no idea where that bastard is. If he’s lucky; dead.”

_My_ Kara would never say that about him. She loves Clark more than anything. Even Alex seems stiff from that answer.

“Lex,” I hesitate “Lex Luthor.”

“Dead, a year now. When they took down the D.E.O., they managed to translate the files we had on him. I think they saw him as more of a nuisance than a danger.”

“Winn Schott.” Alex continues.

“Dead… I think. I don’t know, again, he was just some tech that ran numbers.” She flexes her hands a few times and peers down at the cuffs around her wrists.

“Alex Danvers.”

It echoes off the walls of the ‘actual interrogation’ room. _Kara_ , goes completely still, eyes bouncing from Alex to me. I’m not fairing much better, I’ve gone rigid as an unnatural chill runs up my spine. Kara seems to be fighting with herself over what truth to tell, the honest one or the one we’re so used to her giving us. She gives me a brief look of panic, but I am just as stuck as she is.

And to be frank, if she told us anything other than the honest truth, we’re at a point where we wouldn’t believe it.

That leaves her with one option; the option I just watched dawn on her.

“Uh…” she pauses before making intense eye contact with Alex. “Dead. A year.”

I always thought that hearing the air-conditioning click on in the building meant it was too quiet. Hearing the sharp inhale of Alex Danvers, a sound much quieter than the AC, trumps that.

It’s too quiet.

The tears filling… Pseudo Kara’s eyes are what I imagine to be the reflection in Alex’s. I admit, it’s even hard for me to keep it together. She’s clearly in pain over it, but I can’t imagine Alex is doing any better at the thought of her other self dying.

“How?” Alex croaks.

“Alex-”

“Answer. Now,” Alex cuts her off.

“She was an example… captured by their leader, executed publicly, broadcasted globally. It um… was a bullet to the back of the head. She was meant-” Kara stops suddenly, bringing her bound hands to her face. The deep breaths do nothing to stop the shaking of her shoulders or the tears dripping down her chin.

Alex takes a breath too.

Again, this might not be our Kara, but she still has her face and clearly, her Alex still meant just as much to her.

“She was meant to be a warning,” she finishes, dragging her hands down her face (dragging the tears along with them), and resting them in her lap. “And a means to tell any hero not to try… especially me.”

I hate this. I knew my Kara going on three years, I’ve known this one for three months and my heart breaks just the same. From all that I know of her, even after only a mere three months, I know I can’t stand here and pretend I’m indifferent.

But one thing is killing me.

There is one thing I can’t ignore.

One thing I have to know.

“Lena Luthor.” Is out of my mouth before I can rethink it.

Apparently, it was the right question, or a very wrong one. She deflates even more, grinds her teeth, and allows more tears out before answering.

“Dead, three weeks.”

My hands shake and I quickly sit down in the chair next to Alex, my legs second from giving out. I get what Alex felt now, but it’s not enough.

 “Who am I to you?” I whisper.

She pauses, looking at me with eyes as blurry as mine.

“You… _she_ was my friend at first… but she was what true evil looks like.”

“What happened to me?” I ask through my teeth.

She stays quiet, the only sound in the room being all of our sputtered breathing.

“Answer me!”

“I said she was dead,” she whispers.

“How?” I choke out.

“I looked her dead in the eyes…” She actually whimpers. “Then I broke her neck.”

I don’t recoil from her like I’ve been burned, I don’t recoil like she has the plague, not even like I’ve been struck.

I recoil like the first time I saw Lex Luthor the monster.

Like when my traumatized, 4-year-old brain realized I had watched my mother die.

Like that moment when 3 G’s bore down on me and I couldn’t scream.

It’s not a snap like people think it is, it’s actually rather slow in the moment. It’s like being hit by a car and feeling every bone breaking as it happens. Right knee, left hip, 5 ribs, left wrist, then finally, the nose. You end up air born, processing these injuries, not aware of your body hurdling towards the ground, but then you make contact with the asphalt. Right ankle, left shoulder, left collarbone, front teeth. You lay there broken and take stock of the damage.

Then… and only then… you realize you’ve been hit by a car.

Except his time, Kara was driving.

“Why?” I rasp out.

Kara sniffles and hesitates again.

“Because I watched you blow my sister’s head off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this took me forever to post. Yes, I'm sorry.
> 
> The past few months has been a whirlwind of... life. It just doesn't end, does it? Anyway, this is THE chapter. There is so much more explaining to do, but this is the start of it all.
> 
> Also, quick shout out to Saradrake who literally called this twist in the SECOND chapter. I hate you, but mad respect.
> 
> Leave your thoughts.
> 
> A.Y.P.


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